Please Don’t Tell Me How Fast It Goes

childhood goes fast

We stood in line at Home Depot. Our cart, weighed down with plants that would finally fill one of our empty flower beds. Our latest project. My daughter, chatting away admiring the bright pink flowers balanced on the bottom. The flowers she believes she picked out, but the reality is I guided her in that decision with my secret “get what I want” mom … Read More

Back To School Makes Me Nauseous

I turn the corner and realize we are walking right through the boys clothing section. My stomach turns. I reach out and run my finger over a folded t-shirt as we pass. Nearby a mom is holding up two pair of shorts for her son. That should be me. My eyes scan the familiar area as the weight of my … Read More

The Line Blurs Between Before And After

child loss

When your child dies, there is this new line of measurement in life. Everything was either before or after. The idea is very black and white. It either is or it isn’t. As time passes complexity creeps in. Maybe it’s grief brain, maybe it’s just me getting old, but that line blurs. We tell stories and reference moments of our … Read More

An Open Letter To Newly Bereaved Parents

Dear Newly Bereaved, I remember standing where you are. The world feels different. A vast emptiness closes in around your heart as you wrangle with the idea that your child is no longer a part of this world. Your world, broken. The last image of them burning in your mind because there will be no more. Don’t focus too long on the idea that … Read More

So This Is Yearning…

child loss

My oldest daughter danced around me oblivious. My youngest daughter plotted her next great attempt at escape while buckled into the cart in front of me. I couldn’t take my eyes off the little boy standing at the register in front of us. He stood between his parents, but I only saw him. I only saw him from behind. He was … Read More

This Is What Child Loss Feels Like

what child loss feels like

Imagine a towering wall of cement blocks in front of you. It stands between you and your child. You know they are there on the other side, but you can’t see them. No matter how loud the scream, you can’t hear them. You try everything you can to break that wall down. Pushing. Pounding your fists. Angrily smashing objects against it. Desperately thrashing to … Read More

We Don’t Do Sleepovers For This Reason

sleep overs

I didn’t expect to feel this way. It was just a sleepover. Even though we don’t do sleepovers. One and done is how I’m feeling now. I guess I should have expected it. For some stupid reason I tend to miss simple grief triggers until they are staring me in the face. Maybe it’s better this way? Less anticipation so … Read More

The Day I Forgot My Son Died

grief amnesia

It was the day of his memorial. It sounds funny, but I remember it clearly because it’s the only day our house was full. Some of our family had started to trickle in so the sound of conversation hummed around me. I stood at my kitchen sink absentmindedly rinsing some dishes when my oldest daughter came bursting through the kitchen chasing … Read More

Hello Grief, I Remember You Well

managing grief after loss

I don’t believe in coincidence. It is something I openly make known. All coincidence has meaning. The synchronicity of the universe is beautiful if you just open yourself up to see it. There lies all the proof you need that our loved ones continue on the other side. Lately life has been all consuming. I had 4 different freelance projects … Read More

When Talking About Child Loss Is Uncomfortable

death of a child

When you lose a child, you have a list of questions you hope to avoid. It doesn’t take long before you get good at anticipating when they will show up. On top of that list is usually, “How many kids do you have?” Meeting new people brings it out all the time, which is why my stomach is usually in … Read More