Thank you for this brilliant post. I don’t understand why there are no other comments on it – maybe I’m just not seeing them, or maybe this is a topic that is just too scary for most people. Thank you for being brave enough to write about it.

You are so right that, even as grievers ourselves, it’s easy for us to slip into repeating the same empty platitudes to other grievers – the very same words that have hurt and infuriated us at times.

Part of it is we all grew up with a strong cultural script around grief – and what we have learned is “normal grief behavior” based on that cultural script. Once you’ve suffered a significant loss, though, you know that there is no “normal” anymore.

Another issue, I think, is that the impersonal well-wishes, platitudes, “thoughts and prayers” are offered because we are (unconsciously, usually) attempting to protect ourselves from even more pain. While that’s totally understandable, it does nothing to help lift up another person who is in desperate despair.

I think your tips about helping are spot on: *really listen,* and pay attention to the details of the other person’s story and connect to THAT, instead of relating it back to our own pain. It doesn’t take a lot of fancy words strung together to do that. And going beyond the social media comment, sometimes sending a private, direct message can help. Someone is cutting through the social media “crowd” and addressing the suffering person privately and directly, which in itself can provide tremendous relief and gives the other person the feeling of truly being seen and heard.

Also, your point about doing more than “just sharing a suicide hotline phone number” is exactly right. That can come off as very impersonal, and feels dismissive. Again, sharing a number might be the right thing to do, but in addition to other things – like an attempt at direct engagement by private message. And in hat same message, simply letting the fellow griever (or any person in any kind of pain) know that you are present, available, and that you recognized the uniqueness of their suffering.

There is no easy answer – every situation differs and calls for a nuanced response based on the particulars. But in general i think, follow the lead of your empathy; keep the focus in the other person’s story, as you said; and don’t assume that “someone else” will step up and take action if it’s needed. Sometimes, that “someone else” is going to be me or you. 💖

Again, thank you so much for this brave and honest post.

Wishing you much love and continued healing from your own loss.