Everyone Arguing Over What’s Harder 2 or 3 Kids…They Are All Wrong!

As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge welcome their third child, my news feed erupts in royal baby fever. A new heir to the throne. Royal traditions requiring mothers to push a baby from their body then stand in front of the world immediately after as if nothing happened. Quickly the conversation turns to their transition to raising three children.

Opinions fly on Facebook as they argue what was the hardest transition for parents. One to two or maybe two to three kids? Others argue the most difficult is when a child leaves the nest to pursue their own life.

These conversations sting, but I don’t dare join in.

If I did I would say the hardest transition was going from three kids, back to only two. Going in the reverse direction, regardless of what the numbers are is far worse.

Imagine the response that would get!

People would be sad. They would be “sorry”. I would probably be accused of using my loss as a way to “trump” everyone else’s hardship. Someone would start a phrase with “at least”. Others would feel an extra moment of gratitude for what they have because no everyone is so lucky.

This isn’t the response I would want, so I stay quiet.

As a bereaved parent I simply want to share my story, my perspective. It is just as valid as everyone else’s. There are actually a large number of us that share the same view. But this part of the conversation is missing. No one wants to acknowledge this reality because it means it could happen to you. I used to think like that.

If we could join in, we’d also share our perspective from “before”. I would say going from three to two was the absolute hardest. However, before that, I would have said the adjustment to just one child is the most difficult.

Your first child has the largest impact on your life. Every single thing changes: your schedule, how you spend your time, your priorities, your heart. The most life changing transition ever. Until… you lose a child.

Then your entire world changes… again.

Join Our Community

Let’s survive this grief journey together.

8 Comments on “Everyone Arguing Over What’s Harder 2 or 3 Kids…They Are All Wrong!”

  1. I have very recently arrived exactly here. I went from 3 to 2 when my firstborn died on April 2nd after a traffic accident. His brothers and I got 12 days of hope and despair before my son’s body finally shut down in the ICU, due to extensive brain damage. He was 29. Not on the verge of excelling in school, or in sports, or in being “just” the best kid in the world, but on the verge of finally leaving the nest and getting married. Life is as shattered as you know it is. I’ve been looking for something to cling to, to give me something I can use, and today I found your blog. Just want to say thank you. After reading a few of your blog posts I feel that you know what it’s all about. I’ll keep reading. / Catarina

    1. Thank you! I’m glad to hear it’s helpful. I have always thought it helped to connect with other bereaved mothers. We understand each other like no others could.

  2. I too am a mom of 3. Two adult boys on Earth and my daughter who was 22 years when she passed from a car crash. I know my daughter McKenna is with me but life is so different.
    We were the best of friends and even though I have my husband and two sons I feel so alone. Almost like being abandoned.
    It’s difficult to smile and laugh just because of the guilt. I’m here and she’s not.

  3. I have 4 daughters 3 here on earth and 1 now In heaven. My oldest is married and the 2 youngest are struggling well we all are struggling. Since I’m the mom I’m supposed to put us back together. How?!?! My youngest was so carefree before and now she is angry, mean with her words toward me and she isolates herself in her room. I have tried counseling with her, just the two of us outings and I ask her about things she used to enjoy and she gets mad at me for asking and says she doesn’t like those things. I’m not sure how to fix our family or if it can be….

  4. My oldest son Alex is forever 20 after jumping into heaven off the cliffs on the river where we live. It happened on July 15, 2013. These days I’ve been feeling the sting of going to two children here on earth verses my three. It seems more pronounced to me. I liked the chaos and energy of all my kids, with two it seems manageable which feels wrong. Thanks for your post, it resonated with me.

  5. Just found your blog that says so much of what I have felt since my 6-year-old son died 20 years ago leaving behind his 3-year-old sister. When her beloved brother and best friend died she said to me, “Mommy, half of me is gone.” I’d have to say the worst is going from 2 to 1. She grew up a sibling without her sibling, living next door to a family of four siblings close to the same age. It has been heartbreaking every inch of the way and will forever be. It’s made her who she is and has given both of us bittersweet gifts. Still I will always miss who she was for the first three years of her life when she had her big brother who adored her and who she adored. The hole is unfillable, the loss irreconcilable, as you know.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *