Surviving the loss of a child is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s all I do. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, every thing reminds me of him. The huge void that fills my daily life where he once was. Our jokes, his hugs, the video games, his favorite food, songs he sang. I wouldn’t wish this journey on my worst enemy.
It breaks my heart when I hear someone else has joined this path. It has changed me in ways no one can see or understand. It defines me. Makes me question who I am. My path in life. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just know that everything is different and will never be the same again.
Music is powerful! There is a lyric from a song that resonates with me so perfectly. In the song “Let It Go”, James Bay sings, “I used to recognize myself. It’s funny how reflections change.” While he is breaking up with a girl, I feel like I am breaking up with myself. My former self. Breaking ties with the past me. Yet, still completely living in the past.
Shortly after Cameron died, someone close to me said, “I hope you never feel the hate and anger that I feel”. She had lost a son. A lot more time has gone by for her. More than my almost 6-months. Yet I’m told these feelings never really go away. I believe that.
Recently I had a scary revelation. I’ve learned to hate. I’ve learned to hate beyond what I ever thought possible. I hate going through the motions every day. Doing normal, everyday things. Living my life without him. I hate putting a smile on my face. I hate small talk, especially with strangers. This is my life now. I hate it all! In that moment I was so overwhelmed that I lost it. I just cried.
Now, I’m evaluating everything in my life. I’ve learned the value of how and where I invest. It’s important that I take time for me and put my own needs first. This is new territory for me. Right now, it has to be all about me and my family. Rebuilding life in a way that creates the least stress and provides the support we need to continue surviving with a huge hole in our lives.
It’s a daily struggle. One that will likely always be there in the background. It’s a fine balance to deal with these emotions and continue living as normally as possible. My focus is on the girls. Making sure their impact is limited. Setting new priorities for our lives. Focusing on what is most important for us.