From the corner of my eye, a shadow of movement streaked across the balcony. I looked up, half expecting to see one of my kids playing, but the balcony was empty. No one there. I turned my attention back to the sink full of dirty dishes and continued scrubbing. A few moments passed. There it was again! My eyes averted … Read More
Moving On… If There Is Such A Thing
I just don’t know how to move on now. It’s a phrase I often hear when I meet others who have lost a loved one. Sometimes it’s only been a short time. Other times, it’s been more years than they care to admit. Still looking for their way. To be honest, it scares me a little. There is this idea … Read More
When Did Grief Become All About Searching for Rainbows and Butterflies?
After my son died, I began to search for child loss blogs to read. Shattered beyond repair, I needed to know I wasn’t alone in the overwhelming things I thought and felt. Everything I found was related to miscarriage and baby loss. While it was nice to know I wasn’t alone, the words didn’t necessarily resonate for me. My son … Read More
New Normal Has New Rules
Society has always been in the driver seat when it came to making decisions in my life. Growing up you don’t cry, whine, and misbehave. After all, it’s not acceptable behavior. You go to school and get good grades. College is next on the list, and you must choose something sensible to study. Living on my own should have been … Read More
When Others Remember – Grief At The Holidays
It is no secret the holidays are harder after the loss of a loved one, especially a child. The hole left by their absence gapes wide open. Traditions can feel heavy. A holiday that once brought excitement and joy, feels like a chore to trudge through. This is a special time of year for family and friends to draw close. … Read More
She Said “I Tried To Kill Myself Tonight” – I Wasn’t Ready
She said, “Tonight, I tried to kill myself. I had everything ready to go, but I couldn’t go through with it. I just want this pain to end.” A post inside a Facebook grief support group for bereaved mothers. A woman desperately pleading for help to a “room” full of strangers. I couldn’t just scroll by. I felt compelled to respond … Read More
If You Are Grieving, Ask For Your Purple Elephant… Go Ahead, Try It!
When you lose a child, death becomes a big part of your life. It sounds morbid, but I promise it isn’t. Grief turns your world upside down. Talking about death used to feel very taboo. Now, it is very commonplace. Normal even. Though my views are a bit non-traditional. Like each bereaved mother before me, I spent my first year questioning … Read More
My Favorite Color Is Blue. Sometimes. (Grief Book Review)
I will never forget the drive home from the hospital that day. Reaching our destination meant telling our (then) 4-year old daughter her big brother would never be coming home. On Christmas morning no less. My mind raced for the right words. Those words don’t exist. The days that followed were a blur. I can only imagine how difficult they … Read More
I Just Can’t, But Today I Did. It Was Hard.
It’s the day before what should be Cameron’s 9th birthday. I’m balancing on the edge. Part of me wants to cry and just crawl in bed until it is all over with. The other part of me wants to force normal, “before” normal, and plan a day of his favorite activities. I already know this birthday will be a mix … Read More
The Line Blurs Between Before And After
When your child dies, there is this new line of measurement in life. Everything was either before or after. The idea is very black and white. It either is or it isn’t. As time passes complexity creeps in. Maybe it’s grief brain, maybe it’s just me getting old, but that line blurs. We tell stories and reference moments of our … Read More