After my son died, I began to search for child loss blogs to read. Shattered beyond repair, I needed to know I wasn’t alone in the overwhelming things I thought and felt.
Everything I found was related to miscarriage and baby loss. While it was nice to know I wasn’t alone, the words didn’t necessarily resonate for me. My son was 7-years old.
The other thing I noticed was an abundance of posts written for people trying to support a griever. Great information, but not what I was searching for. I also found posts written from the other side of grief. While they gave me hope I could survive, they did nothing to validate the hell I was living. I grew to hate those posts.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret… surviving child loss is not all sunshine, hearts, and rainbows. You don’t simply see hope in everything that exists and search for the beauty.
My fog was so thick I didn’t have the capacity to be thankful or stop and smell the roses. Looking for the silver lining just made me want to throat punch someone. I had no interest in forgiving people their wrongs and making amends with people in my life. There wasn’t even a desire to hug those I loved tighter.
Yep, I said it! Loss has never given me greater appreciation for life. Just one more thing to add to my guilt… like I needed another.
I felt like a bad person. Surely I wasn’t the only one feeling this way?!
The phrase “This is going to sound bad” became part of my vocabulary. Everyone around me shook their head. Great, but I was still alone in how I felt.
So, I wrote it. I began to share it. You told me I wasn’t alone. I don’t want others to feel alone like I did. We need more people willing to talk about the uncomfortable, ugly side of grief.
I don’t share for pity, to one up someone else’s hardship, or because I’m a desperately grieving mother. I share to give an authentic voice to child loss… at all ages. To connect with others out there walking this path alone. To validate the complexities of life after loss.
We were forced into this club. Let’s at least help each other survive it.