Life has a way of leaving you feeling overwhelmed. Things are going along like normal (new normal anyway) and bam! Out of nowhere it hits you. How did this happen?
I think it happened when I walked away from the second mess of the day. I say I think because I really can’t remember. My ability to focus on things has faded. I just know I felt a keen realization that I had just walked away from something. It felt familiar. So I stopped to take note.
It took all of my focus to evaluate the situation. It was there plain as day! The applesauce still on the table, spilled by the baby. How long had this been going on? As I looked around my kitchen the mess told me it had to be at least a couple of days. How did I not notice it was happening again?!
I’d say depression, but I refuse to acknowledge it by it’s name. I blame Cameron! OK I don’t really blame Cameron, but I blame grief. I’ve gotten too far away from it. This last week I stopped managing my grief. I’ve over committed myself and allowed distractions to swing my joy/grief scale way out of balance. It sucks!
This is when I realize how much I’ve changed in the last year. Since I lost my son, I can’t focus on things the way I used to. Even when things are good, I no longer have the ability to multi-task. It is extremely frustrating! The smallest things have me feeling overwhelmed. I used to thrive under pressure. Loved it! Now, all the baby has to do is spill her applesauce on the table and I have all I can do to clean her up and walk away from the rest of the mess. Not because I’m angry, but because I just can’t clean it up right now. It is beyond what my body can process.
I am extremely forgetful now, and that is an understatement. Returning text messages, remembering birthdays, why I walked into a room, a conversation that I had not 5-minutes earlier. It is all on the chopping block thanks to my grief. Even my “to do” lists can’t compete. I am rendered useless.
My exhaustion should have been a dead giveaway. The last few days I have been TIRED! Yet, I can’t go to sleep early. There is too much to do. Even if there wasn’t, I couldn’t sleep so it’s useless. I just want to crawl in bed, turn on the TV, and eat cookies. It might be all I can handle.
If there is one thing I have learned through child loss it is that I have to put myself first. I have to take care of myself before I can even begin to function on the half scale I am able to now with the rest of the world. I haven’t been very good at doing that lately.
The first step is acknowledging it. Now that I see it, I can take the necessary steps to fix it.
This is what life is like after. This is what grief looks like.