There is this funk that exists. It has been here a few weeks now. I say “been” like it’s gone, but it never seems to be very far away. I don’t know what sets it off so the control freak in me gets twitchy. Searching. Trying to figure out how to manage it. I’m not willing to believe what I already know. Grief can’t be managed.
I awoke one morning feeling puffy and swollen. The night stand littered with tear soaked tissues. The only proof it even happened. But this is what I do.
I grieve in silence.
I tell myself over and over that much of the pressure I feel to appear “normal” is self inflicted. Many years of conditioning to believe death is something you just don’t talk about. I no longer agree. However, I feel the immediate discomfort when someone finds out my son died or I mention him. Sometimes I avoid it entirely out of self preservation. Whether it is spoken or not, it affects me.
Grief is a solo journey. No matter how many people tell you they are there for you, it is a lonely walk. Relationships deteriorate not for lack of care, but for lack of ability. The energy for effort is just not there no matter how much I wish it could be. So the burden of maintaining a relationship falls to the other person. Very few people ask the hard questions and really stick around to carry that burden.
When I began to write on grief and life after, I told myself I would be authentic. Sharing my view of reality to give the tiniest insight into what child loss looks like and how it impacts my every day life. I wanted to connect with other bereaved parents that share similar experiences and remind those that haven’t experienced loss that life is fragile. My plan has fallen short. I realized in these last few weeks, in my funk, that I have only shared a small part of it.
I grieve in silence because I don’t know how to do it any other way. We are never taught to mourn. It is considered so taboo that when you find yourself standing in the middle of it, you have no idea what to do. It feels as if all eyes are on you as you navigate your loss. The weight of loss sits on your shoulders and blinds you to everything else in life. It feels as if you are alone. Since perception is reality, you are alone.
There is so much work to be done in grief. Most of it you do need to do on your own. It is about learning balance and self care. Sorting through your beliefs and finding ways to maintain a connection with your loved one. Rebuilding your life, a life you didn’t want that was thrust upon you, in a way you can learn to find happiness again. If you can find someone to walk next to you and seek to understand your journey with no judgement, you are lucky!
I want to help change how the world views death and grief. While it isn’t a cause I would have ever chosen to sign up for, the universe has other plans. In order to promote change, I must learn to grieve more openly. To continue sharing our story. To help others share their story.
So I’m shaking off my funk as best I can. I’m back to writing!
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I lost my first born son Fintán over a year ago he was 20 yrs old my chum best friend he was a single dad raising Ella who is now 4 yrs old. I’m now raising Ella for him along with my two other children 8 and 7 yr old. Yes it does suck and it’s so hard to work out l don’t think l ever will know why. Yes that’s the big dreaded question how many kids do you have so now l say 4 one in heaven a boy and girl here and my grand daughter. Yes your right it’s a journey alone and one that we never asked for so l hope that we all get strength on some of the days to help us through it and if l could stretch my arms out to other mothers l would and give them my love ❤️
I lost my 19 yr son tragically. Nov 5th will be 2 years… I still sit in silence with my grief it feels as though it’s not real. How can he be here one day and not the next? Nothing can prepare you. Friends and loved ones tell me I’m strong. why? I have no choice, I wake up and this is my reality. Nothing I say or do will bring him back to me. I believe in God but I will say going through this has me asking WHY? I am hugging all you moms ever so tightly in hopes that you feel its coming from your child in heaven😇 that’s why you’re reading this 🙏
I lost my son on April 1 of this year. He had erosive esophagitis. it had been getting worse, he wasn’t taking care of himself. He died on april 1 when a vein in his esophagus burst and he bled out in a matter of minutes. It’s been 6 months now and I haven’t been able to get over it. I cry every day, I don’t eat, I rarely clean my house. I just can’t do anything but sit on the couch and cry. He was the sweetest, kindest person you could ever meet. He never met a stranger. He was intelligent, witty, funny and talented. He picked up a guitar at around 12 and taught himself how to play, and he played beautifully. He and I were buds. I feel like a part of myself died. I have my daughter that is helping me a lot. Other than that I feel alone. If it wasn’t for my beautiful daughter, I probably wouldn’t be here.
I lost my dad 6 weeks a go. No one asks me how I am. I don’t really get supported. It sucks, but we have to put on a face and get on with it. A great read and for what it’s worth brought me some comfort and made me feel a little less lonely x