When my son died, I received a lot of advice. I found people do not know what to say. They default to the things they have been conditioned to say during these times. It came from many different sources, most of which had never lost a child. The advice came from good intentions, but it was hollow. Not at all what I needed in that moment.
When someone would tell me it would be OK, I was angry. They would say everything happens for a reason and I should trust God. More anger. Then there was, “Give it time. Time heals all wounds.” It doesn’t. Then there were the people that tried to facilitate a connection. Here, call Jane. She lost her son, too. I was not in a place talk to other bereaved mothers and hear all about their experience. Everything felt like pressure towards a direction someone else thought was best for me. Someone that had never stood where I was standing.
If you haven’t noticed, there is a lot of anger in grief. It is unavoidable so you should just learn to embrace it early. It made me feel like I was going crazy. Everything made me mad. I hated their advice yet I found myself starting to wonder if I should listen. It didn’t resonate, but I was desperate. So I started judging my grief. It made me question everything I was doing and feel as if I was doing it all wrong. That made me more angry.
Then I had a breakthrough. A grief breakthrough.
I don’t recall the cause or the source, but I suddenly understood what I needed to do. It all made sense.
My epiphany? My grief is only about me. The journey I walk is my own. No one can tell me how to do it. I simply have to do whatever I feel is right in the moment for me. It is not my job to help make others feel better. I cannot be concerned for how they are doing. I know it sounds harsh and unfeeling. However, there is an “I” in grief. As there should be! It is the only way because MY son died! This was about Cameron and I. No one else. The rest of the world has their own path to follow and they must figure it out on their own.
It seemed so simple. Selfish, but simple.
Since my son died, I have changed the way I talk to someone that has experienced loss. I never tell them I am sorry, that is the worst thing to say when someone dies. I am no longer afraid to say, “That really sucks!” It does. Then I tell them I am thinking about them and sending love. I really am. Love is all that matters. If I feel the urge to share advice, I simply tell them their grief is unique to them. They have to do whatever is right for them and not compare themselves to anyone else. Don’t worry about what anyone else tells you. Just follow your gut.
This advice would have saved me so much agony.
What is your go to advice?
We have lost a daughter age 21 and son age 50 our hearts are broken we don’t have any more family , we never got any help after we lost both our daughter passed away 33 years ago our son passed away year gone November on our wedding anniversary, we love and miss both so much our lives are empty we try and help each other get though each day , thinking of every one who have lost a loved one xxxx ??????
That is a lot of heartbreak! It is a tough road to lose a child (let alone 2). Much love to you both.
My son was killed on the 20 th of March 2013 !!
That was my birthday!!His killer till today is free and living his life !! There is a warrant for his arrest but has not been convicted yet !!His court case was yesterday and the Judge Le Blanc let him out on conditions!! My son travelled to Florida to study in Disney World Orlando university!! He was 22 and was Comming home in a few weeks to Australia !! I am living the animals death sentence everyday ! I think of my son every waking hour and my eyes are forever flowing with tears like a river !!
I just lost my son last year at age 23. I understand. He passed in May 2020. Much love to you
It is a heart wrenching in are able feeling. I also lost my son at the age of 23, July 18, 2020. I am sad and angry and can’t believe that a monster that is 62 years old could take my sons life.
I have been a single parent his whole life, he wasn’t just a son he was my partner, my protector my everything. My heart goes out to all the families in this community. How do we get through? How do we forgive? How do we still trust in God when this happens? I am trying lord knows I am, I have fasted and praying for help but nothing takes this grief, pain and anger away😢
I lost my son May 2021 he was 23
My son passed away February 8 of this year. I have spent all day reading your blog and it has really helped me. I have felt so alone and lost. This article really hit home. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Losing a child sucks! Much love to you, please keep doing what you’re doing and helping other bereaved mothers like myself get through this awful time.
Sarah – I am so glad you found comfort in what you have read. You are definitely not alone. Losing a child does suck. Reclaiming your life after is a daily thing. Much love to you as you navigate your loss. There are so many of us out there ready to support each other through this journey. XO
I hate this. I love my son. I miss my son. I am MAD that he didn’t get to live. I will NEVER get past that he is not here. I have to accept it. But I will no longer be carefree. He was so integrated into men and now he is GONE from me into eternity. I did not want to be a part of this club. I hate it. Yes, I have three others. But I hate this. He was 39 and loved as well as loving. He was kind. He treated people well and held no grudges. Why did he have to go before me?
I put on my game face. I read scripture. I participate but my baby is gone. Fading away as life goes on for others. He left 2/22/20. The scriptures say he is with The Lord. I believe that. I truly do. But I WANT him.
Elaine I can’t say I know your pain I know my pain I too lost my son on February 21st 2020 It hasn’t been a year yet and my brain is still in a fog I’ll never understand why he had to go before me there’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t think of him he was special born with hydrocephalus cerebral palsy he was blind he was only 31 years old he wasn’t supposed to live past three but I have been blessed to have had him for 28 more years it’ll never be enough I am so angry and I’ll never understand This is the first year without him and it will be the third year without my 25-year-old daughter She passed away February 6th 2018 I will never get over her loss I don’t think I ever really grieved I will never be whole again She was murdered and they still walk the streets today and my baby is gone She was talented beautiful amazing young woman graduated high school thinking she had a full life ahead of her as did I Well I died that day and then I Don’t think I really went through grieving and I never will I still wait for her to walk through that door and then it happened again when I lost my son I lost him because of his seizures and he had the virus covid-19 there was nothing I could do to save him he was amazing he graduated distinguished honors he went to college 4 years for computers even though he was blind even with cerebral palsy he played a trumpet the sweetest jazz I’ve ever heard I just don’t know how to accept losing one let alone too of my babies 2 years apart in the same month I just want to climb into bed and go to sleep and not wake up till February is over I am afraid of February I have other children adult children and I’m afraid to lose any more to February It’s okay to be angry I have to go on in this life when I lived every day from the time I was 16 taking care of my disabled son I never referred to him as handicapped he was handicapable but my life belonged to him he needed me we spent most of our lives in hospitals surgery after surgery I don’t know who I am without him or where to begin because I don’t have an end It’s not fair It’s not fair for any parent to lose a child or two I know there are parents out there who have lost their entire family to car accidents fires nobody knows why this happens I just lost two grandchildren back to back they never had a chance to come into this world this past year alone I feel like I’m lost and I cannot be found I have tried to hold on to Faith And not because that is my name That’s all it is I’m angry and nothing anybody can say to me can take that anger away I talk to my children every night I sleep in my son’s bed I wear their clothes just to feel close to them to smell them I want my babies back but that’s not going to happen that’s not how it works I’m stuck here angry I guess what I’m saying is that is one thing we have in common and that’s okay it’s our right to be because it wasn’t supposed to be like this…
I just lost my 4 year old daughter due to seizures she had hydrocephalus too. I still don’t believe that she’s gone.
Omg… I know how you feel.. it was the worst news I ever wanted to hear. A mother’s worst nightmare. My son passed May 1,2020. He was in the coast guard and such a sweetheart. My son died in a car accident. I’m mad too. I am still going to court with the man who pulled in front my son. God is with us All!!
Tonya, I lost my aunt/best friend in November 23,2020. She was rear ended by a man driving 95 miles an hour on a back windy country road. Three minutes away from her home. She was my second parent. The sister to my mother, between those two they gave me everything I have today. My mom died 2017, now Sunday night by cousin who was like a sister to me my aunts step daughter of over 30 years took her own life. Now my uncle is left in three months without a wife or a daughter. That’s was his only biological child and he’s been with my aunt since right after high school. I’m just so lost. I know everything stems from that man that killed my aunt. When he hit her he killed all of us. Brittany my sister, left behind a 5 year old boy who was in the next room over. His birthday is this weekend. She’s been planning that party for two weeks and she’s a nurse for the hospital that ultimately wheeled her in to the last operating room her body would ever be in alive again. Words cannot express the grief that’s stormed into my families life. I pray for all of you and anyone that can offer guidance for how I should move forward with my uncle it would be greatly appreciated. He’s asked my aunts side of the family to wait on phone calls and texts so I still haven’t spoken with him. I really do r know what to do.
My adult son died a year before yours. I miss my son everyday and, like you, wear a game face and read scripture.
The loss of a child changes a persons perspective on what is really important in life. I will not understand nor can I fully understand the reason God either allowed or took our boys early. If we are truly believers, then we know that all things work together for His plan. I read a scripture that said God can take our loved one sometimes to keep them from other more terrible things or pain down the road. That is a blessing and something we cannot see unless we are God.
My faith is tried and yet, I know He is the same God as before my child passed away. Our boys were borrowed from the Lord and not ours, but ours to raise for a brief time.
Our hope is in Christ and in seeing our loved ones when we are called home.
Yet, we have to believe that God has things for us to do here and now and to be a witness to our children and loved ones and community.
So I get up every day looking for His plan for me and in the joys I can still find with my family. I have asked God to show me his care on particularly hard days and He always comes through and blesses me in some extraordinary way. I even had a stranger give me flowers at a store one day after I prayed that prayer…they said just they gave me flowers “Because.” I knew it was from our heavenly Father.
He is there comforting us and keeping us. I look to Him every day as I learn how to walk through the fire with Him, carry my grief and do my job for Christ every day.
I miss my son and often it feels like a nightmare, but I know that God does not promise us days without pain, laughter without sorrow or sun without rain. He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the pain and a light for the way. It is all I have to go forward with. My faith has grown since his death, but I am still learning how to cope. Praying for all those with hurt, have pain and loss, that you may find Jesus and the Hope we have in Christ.
I feel exactly the same as you do. My heart is broke. My son passes 05/14/21
I have the same sentiments as you. My son died about 2 months ago from a fatal bicycle accident. It was so sudden, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I am angry, I am in despair, I am devastated and very very sad.
I hate this. I love my son. I miss my son. I am MAD that he didn’t get to live To old age. . I will NEVER get past that he is not here. I have to accept it. But I will no longer be carefree. He was so integrated into me and now he is GONE from me into eternity. I did not want to be a part of this club. I hate it. Yes, I have three others. But I hate this. He was 39 and loved as well as loving. He was kind. He treated people well and held no grudges. Why did he have to go before me?
I put on my game face. I read scripture. I participate but my baby is gone. Fading away as life goes on for others. He left 2/22/20. The scriptures say he is with The Lord. I believe that. I truly do. But I WANT him.
I lost my some on Sept 7 and he was set to go in the navy. He had plans and I too try to focus on the fact he is with the Lord but let me be honest I want him here to fulfill his goal. Today I woke up angry which isn’t something I’ve been until this point. I don’t know where to put it.
I am soo sorry.. my son was in the coast guard. And he was 23. I am so mad!!!!!
This is almost as if I wrote this and exactly how I feel at this very moment.
My son passed away in Jan 2020 aged just 20 one punch from someone he didn’t even know
his friend started a fight and my poor son got into the middle to split them apart – unfortunately he got punched
i watched the cctv and it will never leave me
i’m angry with the boy that started the fight and i don’t know if i can ever forgive him
life is so flipping hard and no words make it easier
i’ve got silly routines now like sleeping with his jumper under my pillow
kissing his photos
crying all the time
it’s a pain that has no name
You will get passed this! In Jesus name!! I feel the same but we have to believe!
I comment on that and anybody that looses a child,, this in the hardest thing I ever been through in my life. Me and my son was like brother and sister!! He was killed in a motorcycle accident that wasn’t his fault and I am still going to court for it to this day.. I pray for you all because I know what it feels like and it don’t feel good to lose your child.
Hi Ms Tonya,
I too lost my son March 28th 2021 (2 mos ago) to a motorcycle accident. We had just talked and he was killed less then 20 mins later. I still can’t soak it in. My baby is gone and never coming home. He was 25 years old and was my best friend as well. I am so lost!! I have a husband and 4 kids still at home. But .. I am so lonely!! Empty!! It hurts to breathe. God please help me!!! Why?? Why did you take my baby?? I ask this question every day.. God Bless you Tonya!!
Hi Tonya, we lost our sons our best friends the same way. I did go through the court art because he was killed by a commercial vehicle. He is forever 23, forever missed. He was on his way to work at 6am. I’m not ok. His younger brother and sister miss him dearly as well. I’m not sure if we could ever be in touch, but felt compelled to reach out. Gretchen
I lost my son at 24 someone left him in a garbage dump to die and I had to take him off life support after 3 days I feel I am never gonna feel like I have will to do anything again I’m so lost it was 6 yrs ago and I miss him so much I just want to go with him there seems to be anything left in my life to be here any more I’m always sad it seems as though I would be doing every one a favor if I just ended it I’m sorry to say that I just want to end these feelings and forget any and all pain that I am feeling when can I just go home I want to never open my eyes again. I must be to much of a chick in to take myself out cause can’t seem to do it I’m feeling that my life is useless and the world is so ugly when will my savior come and get me!
I have lost two children one at age 20 and then one who is handicapped my daughter 8 years after he got killed. I am very angry and I can’t get myself out of this depression I have lost two children and that is very hard
That is an incredibly hard road. Anger makes sense. It’s such a big part of grief because the loss (both of your losses) go against nature. It’s not supposed to be this way. Life can be very unfair. Sending lots of love your way.
I lost two of the boys almost 30 years ago in a house fire 3 and 4 years old just recently I lost my oldest son of 40 years old to an enlarged heart God says he never gives you more than you can handle but I don’t have my mom I don’t have my dad I have nobody I don’t even have a husband because he left me cuz I got too old I am so sad and depressed for this coronavirus and all my grief I don’t know where to put it but I know God is there but I can’t explain it my heart is so overwhelmed with grief and pain that and loneliness that I just feel like nobody’s there and I know God’s there but my body aches my heart hurts so bad that I don’t know what to do I keep praying to God but I just need a friend somebody that knows what I’m feeling that I could talk to
Beatrice I just lost my son on the 29th. He was five days old. I am devastated. I cannot imagine not having the love and support that I have been so blessed to have. For what it’s worth, I am here for you. If you want to write me please do. It has been two days since the funeral and I feel so absolutely alone. My husband lost his best friend the night of our son passing. They were musicians who played together since they were 10. Which means my husband has been spending days compiling all the music they made. In a way it makes me angry because I feel I am here alone with my grief. However I am not. I will remind myself of my husbands own journey and how grateful I need to be for the people around me offering their support. I am not one who accepts help freely. Please feel free to write me sis. It will help us both. At least that is what my heart is telling me in this moment.
Beatrice my heart goes out to you. I cannot think of anything worse than dealing with a tragic loss alone.
Beatrice, I don’t know the words to say to you as I came on this site to find help for myself as my precious 22 yrs old son was murdered 3.23.20 and to add to my pain, the guy who did it is in the wind. I pray and pray but my heart is so broken I have cried everyday since losing him. I’ve never responded to anyone else but your story just tugged so hard at my heart. My thoughts would be to tell you to please continue praying and find a group at a church that can relate (sadly there are groups of parents that have lost their children). Please also know that God does love you, your babies are in heaven and I will pray for you to not hurt so much and find peace in Christ. Know that someone does care because even in my grief, my heart goes out to you.
Beatrice,, just start praising God! He will pull you through. Just praise Him!
Sorry this is the kind of “pat” answer that makes me so angry! Yes I believe in Jesus, yes I know he deserves my praise BUT even the word says there is a time to grieve…We don’t feel like praising when we’ve lost someone so dear as a child. God understands that loss better than we. Please stop and think before you make this kind of statement. Silence it better than the “canned” answers so many of us grew up with.
I am so sorry I really am. I am reading your story with tears rolling down my face. I lost my beautiful little boy 5 weeks ago to terminal cancer and I just feel o alone and heartbroken I don’t know what to do.
I have so much to say on Justin’s behalf he is a Trojans fan and I am thinking about all the memories that I have being by his bedside when he was still here. And then I got a call from my sister when I went to the hospital that my son was at his last breathe to come NOW! I couldn’t tell you what I went through to see him like that with his inflatable stomach like that on him and the respirator over his mouth when I got there. I and knew GOD had plans for him. Well I love you son now that you know what those pearly gates look like just ENTER. I’m glad you had fun going to school when you went because you should. I will never forget how much Aunty and uncle loved you like you were their own. For me my thoughts for caring was all those birthdays I gave you when we lived at grandmas house. And those are all your cousins who were able to make . You grew up with your best cousins and I love them for you,
I lost my son to SIDS when he was 10 weeks old, & I quickly learned who I could go to & who were just going to spout off worn out comfortless cliches. Luckily, I had 3 main people who were my whole support system when it happened. They knew they didn’t know the answers, but they allowed me space to talk about my son, my grief, & my fears of having failed as a mother. They gave me love, & even almost 8 years later, they assure me that grief isn’t something I “should be over by now,” that it’s a lifelong process that changes forms along the way. Because of them, those are the words I offer to other people who experience a loss.
Loss definitely shows us who our people are. Like you, I had a few people that didn’t allow things to be uncomfortable. They kept inserting themselves, were willing to sit in the silence, and allowed me to talk (and also talked) normally about my son. Cherish those people! Your words of wisdom are so true and great advice for anyone new on this path. Hugs!
I recently lost my son age 3… July 6th 2019 this is the most hardest feeling I’ve ever felt…
I lost my son at age 4. July 5th is his birthday
It’s been 6 years. I still can’t sleep some nights, wondering why it happened? What would he be like had he been alive? Why him? And I miss his smells, laugh and voice… Everything. Time has gone by but the miss is still real and pain doesn’t stop. I’ve just learned to cope with it.
It is sooo terrible. I just lost my son in May 2020.. it’s the worst feeling ever!! I understand
Hi. I just lost my 24 year old son to suicide. I’m lost.
Kristin, my son died suddenly this very morning from acute liver failure. He was 27. I feel that his cause of death was a form of suicide due to excessive drinking. I’m lost as well a as me cannot imagine a future without him in it. He was a wonderful boy but could not/would not get help for depression. You are not alone.
Glenna I lost my son on 1/25/21 he committed suicide. Iam so lost without him. I have so many different emotions going on in my head. I so feel your pain .
Hi I lost my son to suicide it is 8 months I am so heart broken can’t live with the pain
Glenna, I also lost my son to suicide on 12-25-21, he was 34. I found him in the back yard. My grief is get worse than better, please pray for me to found the strength to go on.
I feel your pain and it’s horrible I just lost my son 19 years old to suicide in 5/1/21
And I’m lost and heart broken. I actually went to the er for heart attack symptoms and they said it is heart broken syndrome wich I guess it’s a real thing . I miss my son soo much I don’t know how to live with these whole in my heart . I ask my self a lot why did it have to be this way ? I never thought when my son was born that God was letting me borrow my son for 19 years I am great full for the time I had him and the memories
But I wasn’t ready for him to go.
Kristin I am so sorry. I lost my 20 year old son to suicide 2 months ago. It sucks so bad I miss him so much! Love to you!
Hi Kristin…I lost my son at 23 yrs old in a car accident…It’s been over 3 years but feels like 3 min. ago! His fiance’s name was Kristin… great name :), What I find so difficult is how quickly others’ seem to forget?! It’s like the world continues-life goes on, however no healing for me…Shayne was my BFF; my body-guard and the love of my life….I’m lost, every single day without him…Donna
I lost my 36 year old son on 7/31/21. It has been a little over 2 weeks, and I feel like I am on the verge of craziness. I know he is in heaven, but I miss everything about him. From the time I wake up until I fall asleep at night, he is all I think about.
I want him here but I know it isn’t possible, but I still want it! I have panic attacks thinking this isn’t real, it feels like I am in a bad dream that I can’t wake up from! Tomorrow I plan to call my doctor and see what he suggests. Many of the sorrow I have read about on this site are similar to mine. I want my son back!
Sorry Kristin . I’m in the same situation as you.
Kristin, I lost my son to suicide in March of 2020, I still am in pain and shock. I feel like a horrible Mom because I had no idea he was in such turmoil. He was 34 years old. I miss him terribly. I thought that it was my job as a parent to protect my child but I couldn’t protect him from his thoughts. It sucks for sure. Just know that you are not alone.
I had 2 sons. My youngest died on June 13 2021. He was 34. He lived with us. His wife and son did not live with us. My husband found him on the garage floor from an overdose. His wife had him cremated and I have his ashes. I’m not ready to have a service for him. He was my best friend. I miss everyday. I think of him first thing in the morning when I get up. I’m depressed and anxious all the time. The week after he died I heard him say “ I’m ok mom”. But I just keep saying to myself but your not here. I know I’ll see him again when I die but it’s so hard right now.
Jennifer I too lost my son to SIDS about 5 weeks ago right before he turned a month old. I have 3 other sons and divorced. Im lost and dont know what to do anymore. Trying to do normal life is hard and I feel so guilty but my other kids dont have their dad around so depending on me has forced me out of bed every day. Does it get any better?
My son has been gone for two years. I am either thinking about him, talking to him or avoiding looking at his picture and being in the moment with him because it is so fresh and still hurts so much. The more time that passes, the more unbelievable it is that he is gone. His 9 years of life were spent in and out of hospitals until he could fight no more. Anger was and still is a big part of what I feel. Anger at parents who take their children for granted. Anger at people who are well meaning and say that they are praying for me when all their prayers for healing my son were left unanswered. I miss him so much and it sucks that he isnt here and it just is not fair. I just want to be with him.
I agree the more time that passes the more unbelievable it seems to be. I also realize that I’ve built this wall around the pain. If I sit with the reality of him being gone or think too long about the details I find myself slipping right back to how I felt early on. Anger was big for me too. It can be hard to manage how much you let yourself feel it. Sending lots of love.
I lost my second born child,my son who was 5 yrs old to septic shock.The infection was so fast.He died on 19thAug 2020.The pain is unbearable.I have lost all interest in living.I can bearly go to work.I have two kids to think about.Kindly assist.
My son died to from septic shock at 6 yrs old. Last year i hate life i hate seeing kids adn family he was all i had now iam alone and miss him so mucj i cant breathe some days he to died in 2020 but in february here in virginia. Iam miserable and dont know how to live now without him. I feel and know your pain
Emily, your words on 2/27/18 were helpful to me. My 43 year old son passed away in August, 2020 from cancer. Yes, if I “sit with the reality of him being gone or think too long about the details”, I go back into the deep dark crushing lonely space where there is no light and no hope. It’s so painful yet I feel somehow a tiny bit more healed after spending time in deep grief even if it was only 10 minutes. I am able to enjoy parts of my life when I am distracted or busy or with friends. But when the sadness hits, I will allow it, even if it visits every day for the rest of my life. I will honor my son with both my grief and my happiness.
I feel the same, I just want to be with him, car accident 1 month ago he was 33. Can’t bear the lose , your not alone
I know exactly how you feel. I’m sorry for your loss, and mine too. My son was 12 years old when he died about two weeks ago. The hole he left in my heart is bigger than I know what to do with. He’s been in and out of hospitals for about the past five years. He died in one. He never saw home again. I don’t know what to do. It hurts so much. I miss him and I just want him back.
I can relate. Life after loss can be so hard to navigate, even years after… but especially early on. Don’t believe people when they tell you time heals and it gets easier. However, you will learn how to carry this grief, which will feel more manageable as time goes on. Your son is still all around you. Healing isn’t moving on… it’s figuring out how to move forward with your son still incorporated in your life. If you are looking for a place to connect with other bereaved parents that get it, I have a closed Facebook Group. http://www.facebook.com/groups/livingafterchildloss
My son died of drug overdose Sept. 11, 2020. Wow just 3 days ago. I found him I held his cold/stiff/discolored/swollen body. An image that is ever present in my mind. Wow!! I ask Jesus moment by moment let me see his radiant heart warming smile. Hear his laugh and i do but it’s in a distance. Today maybe? I’ll get out pictures… I thank God for leading me here and reading comforting words.. My husband is Very Angry wants to die. Now I have stories to share with Dennis
Dear Jodi.. Your story is relatable.. heartbreaking for any parent! I too just recently lost my Son, Bradley. November 2 /20 due to a overdoes. We had a very very close bond. I can feel him around me..even though I’m numb empty and uncontrollably sad!! I pray you and your husband find some comfort within the memories of your Son!! God saw his struggle and took him to a everlasting paradise where one day you will all reunite. Blessings to you both.
My 23 year old son too died of an overdose on 11/25/20. Just like you, I was the one to find him, an image forever burned in my mind. I can’t stop thinking of all the what if’s and that as his mom i should have been able to keep him safe, I failed him. I miss him so much, and just keep getting this overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia, like I want to crawl out if my skin. I can’t image ever feeling any different again. This for me and everyone on here, is the worst possible nightmare. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
I feel and relate to your pain. My son died 12/21/2020 at the age of 27 of a possible drug overdose, won’t know for sure until to autopsy results are back in another month. I go through the list in my mind a million times a day with all the why’s and what if’s and nothing makes it any easier. He has a 6 year old son. I am now raising him alone and I know I have to be strong for him which is hard since I can’t be strong for myself yet. We cry together as we remember his daddy and I don’t know if I’m doing more harm then good. I try hard not to cry but don’t make it most of the times. As long as I have him we will get through this together so cry and laugh with your husband and have your private crying times if you feel you need it. My emotions are still all over the place as I’m sure yours are and that of your husband’s deal with what you can as you can. I’m praying for you and your husband with lots of love!
Joni, I’m so sorry for you and your husband. The pain never seems to go away, although some days are better than others. Our son overdosed from fentanyl on July 18th, 2020. He thought it was heroin and He’d been sober for a year and a half! He was 30. I know your pain. His wife is struggling with the whole thing, and thinks she’ll never find another love.
I take his pictures down and then put them back up. I have been crying off and on all day. It’s almost a year. Covid has put seeing a therapist on hold.
My son was 26yrs old when he went missing on 9/19/2019. His remains were found in the woods by 2 young boys( whom I call my angels ) on 2/4/20 a few miles away from where he was working that day.
My son had struggled with anxiety and unfortunately turned to drugs for relief. He had been sober for 6 months and doing great.
The police were USELESS to me and my family. They didn’t even physically search for him when I reported him missing. It was a nightmare.
At that time, my son’s eldest daughter was 4yrs old and he and his girlfriend had just found out on 9/12/19 he was going to have another baby (daughter), who was born on May 13,2020. He never got to meet his baby girl.
I’m BROKEN!! I have never experienced such heart wrenching pain in my life. I’m lost, angry, devastated, numb, sad, empty, lifeless.
I fake smiles to get through my days. I pray to God every day. I think about my son the minute I wake up, through out my day and when I go to sleep. I talk to him everyday. I have a recording of him praying and I hear it everyday. It gives me some comfort hearing his voice. When my friends ask me how am I doing, my only response is “I’m existing, trying to live with my new normal life”. If I hear one more time, that I should be grateful that I still have 3 beautiful daughters and 3 grandchildren to live for, I will snap!!! They don’t understand that it’s not that I’m not grateful for my daughters and grandchildren, I am grateful and blessed. I miss my son! I love my son! I want him back! It’s so hard to enjoy life with the family, when I know my son is not with us. It’s so bittersweet to be around his daughters because they look so much like him. They are my connection to my son, a part of him that he left behind. I’m struggling with my emotions, they are all over the place. I don’t know who I am anymore . His passing has changed the person I was. There are days , I can smile when I talk about him and there are days when I just look at his picture and it takes me back to that horrific night on 2/4/20. I get flash backs of seeing his skull . I buried his skeletal remains. The only confirmation that he was my son was through dental records and his license that was in his pants pocket. I sometimes wonder if that was my son whom I buried. I have so many unanswered questions. They don’t even know how my son died. The police did nothing. I’m so angry!!! I’m losing my mind. Sometimes , I think I still see him walking the streets. Living after my son passed has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes, I wish God would just take me, so I can stop hurting. I do believe he’s in heaven and at peace. I also , believe when I die, I will see him again. I cry everyday. I have this pain in my heart that doesn’t go away and it will never go away because I will always love my son and I will always miss my son.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I understand your heartache. My heart goes out to all of you. I will keep you, all in my prayers .
Hello, I lost my son on 10/12/21 to a drug overdose. I am so sad but numb at the same time. He was my only child and when I see other young men his age (29) I get angry! I know it’s wrong but I am like God why my son??? I haven’t really even talked to God because I just feel so hopeless.
Why do you say your son is still around you? My son died 10-04-2020. Is that him I feel at times or am I crazy?
You are not crazy! I believe they are still here… just not in physical form.
My daughter died just a few days after your son, on 10-07-2020, she would have been 3 years old in December. You are not crazy, I fully believe that our children are with us every single day walking beside us on this horrific path through life that we, as their parents, have been forced to take. Although I may not be able to physically see my beautiful girl, she is with me, helping me navigate through life, of that I am certain. Your son is with you too, trust in that, he is holding your hand and guiding you as best as he can.
I never lost a child but your story made me cry. I know there are no words of comfort I could give as I never experienced it but I wish you could have him back too.
I lost my 2 2 year old son he’s kind loving caring thoughtful giving forgiving hard-working he loves God I just don’t know what to do I fail him I failed to protect him I’m so lost I don’t want to go I just don’t want the go on I am in unmanageable pain I’m so empty said lonely my heart’s broke confuse lost I just want to be gone
I too lost my 11 year old daughter 6 weeks shy of her 12th birthday on 6/8/2020. We were in and out of hospitals for 5 years too and she also died in the hospital from a simple procedure. We are devestated and still in so much shock. This sucks.
i, too, lost my son at 19 years old. what you say is so true. it has been 1 year; and i get it.. still unbelievable . my heart aches all. the. time. i feel lost
Lee I truly understand. I lost my son 12 days ago. He was 14. These last 8 years of his life have been a roller coaster but for 4 of those years we thought his cancer was gone but it mysteriously came back in his right leg and metastasized quickly to his lungs. He always told me I was his best friend. He truly is my best friend. I miss him so much. His smell his touch and his hugs which healed my soul. I have one more beautiful child. My 13 year old daughter Layla. I feel like she is lonely. I raised them to protect each other and now she is an only child but she quickly corrects me to tell me she is not an only child. She tells me her brother is in heaven watching us and waiting to be reunited with us. I’m so empty. I’m waiting for God to restore my soul. So Lee, I will pray for you during your difficult time. God bless you.
Losing a child sucks, parents are not supposed to bury their children. I turn to god for comfort, read the bible and listen to gospel. But I have come to the conclusion that we live in an imperfect world and that we have to keep breathing, that’s why it makes it to so hard to continue living with so much pain.
You’re right, it does suck. We should never outlive our children. It is so important though to find what works for you to continue living after. Hugs.
My daughter’s death in 2015 destroyed my family. My brother found it easier to pretend I didn’t exist than support me. This caused added pain and a broken relationship with my parents who were angry at me for not feeling sorry for him. We don’t even speak anymoreas they weren’t interested in talking through it. So I lost them as well as my daughter. I find comfort and support in my grief from a few good friends, without them I would be really struggling.
Relationships can change so much after child loss. The people you think will be there in your lowest times aren’t always the ones that can support you. Just one more reality that slaps us in the face. I’m so glad you have a few people you can count on to offer what you need. It really is so important. Sending love.
I found that after almost five years after my beautiful son 23 was found dead just left to die alone the circumstances make it harder to find peace to handle my pain .I go thru many days reliving what he went thru and he was alone. It’s even harder knowing the people he loved and trusted acted like it was a party. Sometimes I think there will never be another happy moment
This describes what happened to my son I understand as much as I can how you feel. As has already been said everyone’s grief journey is our own…He died from a drug overdose according to the coroner he was dead for a couple of weeks before they found him on 7.2.21. The circumstances of his death cause me nightmares – I don’t sleep I struggle to find peace so I keep to busy during the day to think about him… not healthy I know but my coping mechanism for now. I know I will see him again in heaven but I just want to see him and hear his voice again here on earth but that can never happen!
The loss of our 22 year old grandson has left our entire family struggling with his death. We all have our own way of dealing with it. I watch my daughter,her husband and their other grown son live each day with the recognition that their lives will never be the same. We hold tight to each other. Others who have never lost a young member of their family really can’t relate to this situation so they do the best they can to try to make you feel better when in reality there is nothing they can do. Much love to those who are going through this nightmare.
Loss really does change your life in a way only others who have experienced it can relate. Sending lots of love your way!
Kristin, we lost our 29 year old son at the end of January 2020, to suicide.I know how you feel when you say you are lost. I am married to my husband of 38 years, yet I have never felt as alone as I have at times in this last year. I have felt many emotions just as others have felt on this thread. I feel so cheated out of being able to have my son in my life until I die, but at least I had him for 29 years, which is more than some on here. I have felt some anger, but most of all sadness knowing that I will never see his sweet face again. I miss him so much. I am so sorry for your loss and for all of you who have lost your children. It’s not natural. We are members of a club no one should ever have to belong to. That sounds cliche, but it is so true.
I understand totally tight big Italian family my son my only child Matthew past may 19th 2018
He was the 1st grandson we had him 9 years before any other grandchildren came he was everything to everyone at 26 he passed away fentanyl poisoning I am so sorry for your loss it destroys everyone
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 30 year old son two months ago and the pain is unbearable. I’ve never cried so much in my life.
My son, 26, fentenyl poisoning. 10-04-2020. I’m in agony
I lost my son to fentanyl November 29th, 2020. It is the absolute worst feeling I have ever felt….I wonder how his last hours were spent…I wonder why he would take such a dangerous drug. He was a single father to my 10 yr old granddaughter and she looks just like her father. I don’t know what to do with this hole in my heart,,,I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone….My son was 29. I have one other younger son who is hurting so bad and I just can’t fix it for him….
My 38 yr. old son died in an accident shortly over a year ago on Christmas day. I went to my doctor the other day for a check up. He wanted to medicate me because I am still mourning. He told me it is normal to mourn for 3 months. I politely told him he didn’t know what he was talking about, particularly when It is the loss of your child, I will mourn my son for the rest of my life. (I do think he listened and heard me.)
Very true, only mother knows the pain of losing child. I lost my son 34 years old three weeks ago. He was healthy, never smoked, no alcohol, regular exercise, swimming. Just started with back pain, doctor prescribed gavapantin thinking it’s sciatica because ibuprofen and paracetamol didn’t work, after two weeks he developed shortness of breath and palpitation, taken to A&E after blood test his HB was 85, doctor suspected Leukemia. Had his bone marrow biopsy. After fifth day got result it was pancreatic cancer not curable only a week to survive. My son was so positive. He looked so pale and weak but kept telling me don’t worry mum I’m strong and positive I’ll fight for it. When doctor announced the result, that’s it he wish to meet all his friends, families which manage to gather everyone. Next day he passed away in my arm. My daughter was also with him. He was so gentle, kind, caring, loving. I’m Is heart broken. I have been left emptiness and sadness. I miss my Sunny so much. I love you my child forever ❤️ Xx
Asha, I too just lost my son so suddenly from pancreatic cancer. Oct. 24, 2020. People don’t believe how fast this disease can take a life unless they witness what we have witnessed. He was treating what he thought was back pain, going to a chiropractor. He called and told me on a Saturday he was told that day he had pancreatic cancer and had 2-6 months, he was gong the next Saturday morning. Losing him has been traumatic but we were grateful we could all be there for his last breath and had the chance to tell him how much we love him. Bless you and know you are not alone. Gooses Mom
Asha, my 43 year old son passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2020. He was healthy like your son. He was diagnosed in April, tried 2 different regimens of chemo which did not help, and passed away in August. We too were blessed to be with him when he passed. Sending you much love.
Nancy, I had a Doctor that said the same thing to me. Our daughter died of a rare cancer. She was 29 when she passed. I can’t speak her name without tears. Mary passed onMay 8, 2010. I feel the Doctor who was so rude never has lost someone who he loved more than his own life.
My son passed away Feb 26,2017 He was 47 years old. I am still so angry. He was a wonderful person. One person said time heals all wounds. They never buried their child. Time will never heal this open gaping wound. I miss him so much He was a bright light to all who knew him. The best words for me to hear were. I’m so sorry for your loss. One other person said they didn’t talk to us about him because they didn’t want to remind us that he died. Really???i wake up everyday knowing that. People need to talk about your loved one. It keeps the memory alive We need to talk about him. I have always been strong in my faith however this has taken a toll on that. We’re not supposed to bury our children. I am sorry for everyone who has gone through this.
You’re right, we aren’t supposed to bury our children! Time does NOT heal this wound. We simply learn coping mechanisms to carry the weight of the grief. I also have people that ignore the topic of my son. It’s so hard. My focus has been on surrounding myself with the people that will. It’s what I need to continue on…I’m sure you feel the same. They existed. They lived and died. They are loved…even still. Hugs!
We lost our son June 30, 2017. I have emotions that bounce all over the place. I am finally to the point I just want to stay away from people, except my family. We bought an RV to travel with our sons wife and grandchildren. Our son would be happy about that. I want to remove my name from our church roster. I don’t want anyone to expect anything out of me. Our church was so good to our son and us too, I hate to just say I quit. However, that is exactly what I feel like. My husband does not feel
Like I do, and I do t want to let him down either. I am just sad to my very bones and so very tired of pretending all is well. What should I do. I want to just lie down somewhere and stay there until I see my sweet 43 year old son again. He battled cancer 6 1/2 Years. I don’t want him to come back to this earth to suffer. I want to go where he is!
I hear you, Kathie! It’s so hard to be around others and feel that expectation. They think we are the same people we were when our sons were alive. Unless they’ve walked this path, they have no idea how much it changes a person. I am a firm believer that you must do what feels right to you. If that means taking a break from people, from church, from whatever it is that causes you additional stress…do it. Surviving loss is about simplifying your life. Letting go of the things that don’t matter. Learning to put yourself first. Down the road you may decide to change your mind again. It’s really whatever feels right to you. I continue to tell myself my son would want me to live the best life possible…what he remembered of our life here. I’m sure your son would say the same. Hugs!
I feel exactly the same as you, I just want to lay down to sleep and not have to wake up again to another day without my Son, I want him and need him so much,
Everyday just putting 1 foot in front of the other is so hard,
Unless you have lost a child you will never know how us Mums are feeling, that big empty hole inside of our hearts will never be filled. I’m so lucky to have everyone around me but my Son is the 1 person I so desperately want.
I lost my Son aged 32 in an accident he was with 1 of his good Friends, The only consolation we have is they went together. But they left so many broken hearts behind. I have 1 Grandson who is my world if it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would be here, grief really is the worst pain in the world. Sending my love to everyone of you who have lost there word X
February 3, 2018 is the day that changed our lives forever. Life SUCKS!!
Our son Curtis 22yrs was killed in a car accident, someone pulled out in front of him.
I don’t understand, I have so much anger. I hate to be around people, especially when they talk about the “weather” I feel so depressed and I hate that he’s not here w us. We will never see him fall in love, get married, have kids, or dance w him at his wedding. It’s hard to think he’s “better” off cause he wasn’t sick. Everything was perfect. He was just getting his life started. He told me he was ready to buy a house, fall in love and start a new chapter in his life. I get so mad when people say “Time will heal, It’s God will, He’s in a better place” Before my son was killed we laid my mom to rest 3 weeks prior. Life sucks and I need off this roller coaster.
Time most certainly does not heal. I believe loss like this will always have moments it feels like it happened forever ago and in the next breath it can feel like it happened yesterday. Sending you lots of love and strength. The two biggest losses (your mother & your child) within 3-weeks of each other is a LOT. Hugs!
Oct 8 1990 – Oct 24 2019. My son’s birthday and death date are coming up for the first time since he passed almost one year ago. He had just turned 29 when he passed. I’m really nervous with his dates coming up, and have been just a ball of emotions. He was (is) my only child, and he was the only grandchild for the first 18 yrs of his life. He was (and still is) so loved and cherished. I had such high hopes and dreams for him. When there was nothing that me, my husband, nor family could do to help him with his drug problem, we relied on prayer. We tried so many avenues and rehab centers to help him. He would check himself out early after being there 2 to 3 months, and go back living in his same environment. We tried every intervention, but when there was nothing left in our power, we relied so much on God to pull him through. All of my life. I was so close to The Lord, and would be the first person to speak about God to someone else to help them cope. All that has changed!!! Once we lost my son to overdose, I have such a new outlook on life, and unfortunately not for the better!
1. First thing I experienced was that I became mentally and physically drained so easily. I used to be very sociable and interactive with people. Since my son passed, I have become much more quiet and withdrawn. I avoid phone calls from long winded family members and prefer to text since conversations wear me out.
2. I have lost my faith. I knew that God would Never take my son…. my only child!! But when it happened. I have completely rethought this whole religion thing. I had such strong faith that I knew God would heal my son, but He didn’t.
3. Life has become a lot less meaningful. In fact, I feel it would be a relief to die myself.
4. I experience some jealous/envious feelings towards other parents who have multiple children…. wondering how are they so privileged to have several children doing well, and I couldn’t even have one.
In all, my once positive and happy outlook on life has changed for the worse. It’s almost been a year, and I do not see it improving. I have sought out private and group therapy, but still end up w no answers.
I’m not trying to bring any of you down with me. but just sharing how I truly feel….
If you feel or have felt the same way, please share with me….
THANK ALL OF YOU FOR LISTENING AND LETTING ME WRITE A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART OUT……
I also lost my son to overdose. I found him and couldnt revive him. My only child….my purpose in life. It’s been over a year and the thoughts…memories…get stronger. I feel responsible for not getting home earlier…maybe i could had save him. I have a grandson who looks exactly like him but lives in another state. All I want to do is stay in his room. People frustrate me……I drink at times alone……all I want to do is sleep and never wake up. I miss my son. I love him.
Hi Gina, my heart goes out to you and your family. I know how it feels to lose a child. My 20 year old daughter died in a car crash on October 6, 2020 with her best friend and another one of their friends. The driver who was speeding and driving recklessly was the only survivor. I have also lost faith in god because him of all people knew that losing my child would break me. I am slowly gaining my back but it is so hard. So I just want to tell you this is an unfortunate situation for the both of us. It’s not the way that life is supposed to be. We are not supposed to bury our children. I know that every minute, hour and day your emotions change. I pray that God gives you strength and healing to go through each day. Sincerely a bereaved parent.
Gina, I SO feel your pain. I also lost my only child in a moped accident 4 years ago. He was 19. He was just starting his adult life and we were so close. I’ve found that time does not heal. It just gets more real every year. Everyone used to say. “OMG, what would you do if something ever happened to Cole”. I would just laugh, agree and brush it off. Like that would ever happen?! What are the odds of losing an only child? So, I too have lost my faith in God. Nothing hurts more than when my religious friends say “he’s in a better place” or “god had a better purpose for him”. That’s just BS! I do feel we can choose to find a positive purpose going forward, but I’m not there yet. I too feel life lacks color and energy now. When our only child dies, we have gone from being a mom to what? That’s all I knew and my son so appreciated my efforts. Yes we will always be their mom, but we can’t hug them, look them in the eyes or even touch their skin. We have no where now for our unconditional love to go…. Please know that I SEE YOU. I share your pain and I truly appreciate you sharing yours here. Hugs my friend..
I too lost my 18 year old. He was murdered. No arrest. No explanation. No answers. Just a big hole in my heart. I too dont want to be around anyone. I never answer my phone. I too prefer quick texts. I wish I could be asleep until it’s time to hug my little boy again. I too am angry at why GOD is allowing these killers to live their lives as if nothing has happened. He is protecting the killers but failed to protect my baby boy. Why? I’m angry, severely depressed and over this life! He was my only child. I have no one now as I never married. All my life it was just him and I. Yes I shared him with his dad but he mostly was with me. I miss him so much my bones hurt and every. Single. Day. I cry for him.
Sending you hugs. I too lost my only child, 23, to murder. I am also am a single parent and his father has never been involved in his life so he was my everything. The killer, 62, remains at large as well. It has been 7 months now and I have nightmares about all the pain my son went through and I keep replaying the footage that was on the camera watching this monster shoot my baby multiple times. He survived 5 hours of surgery and passed away minutes after being released to ICU. I spoke to him 30 minutes before and wish I just could of told him come home cuz I cooked or something.
Sending you hugs. I too lost my only child, 23, to murder. I am also am a single parent and his father has never been involved in his life so he was my everything. The killer, 62, remains at large as well. It has been 7 months now and I have nightmares about all the pain my son went through and I keep replaying the footage that was on the camera watching this monster shoot my baby multiple times. He survived 5 hours of surgery and passed away minutes after being released to ICU. I spoke to him 30 minutes before and wish I just could of told him come home cuz I cooked or something.
Yes I feel the same way on all the 4 points you listed.
Esther, life really sucks. I buried my mother 11 months ago and on April 4th my firstborn son, 29 years old. He died after 12 days in the ICU after a traffic accident – someone pulled out in front of him, too….. He was on his motorbike, landed on his head, finally his body shut down and we lost him. He was laid to rest in the very same suit we bought only days earlier for his upcoming wedding. It’s beoynd cruel. I don’t know how I will survive. I hate myself for feeling this way as I have two more sons and a baby granddaughter. “One person is missing and the whole world is empty”. Oh yes. This blog, which I found only yesterday, states a lot of what I am experiencing and feeling. I’ve been offered professional support but I doubt that it can give me anything more that this. For now. I hope we both, and all other mothers dealing with this, find a way to breathe again.
Hugs to you Catarina. I understand when you say one person is missing and the whole world is empty. That’s a hard feeling to overcome and get past. I think it will always be there for us.
Catarina I hear you and feel your pain. I lost my son to suicide May 6,2021. He was 28 years old. I feel like I have a big hole in my heart. It hurts so much knowing I will never see him and hug him again. I love my son so much that I really see no purpose in living without him. Every child is closed in a special spot in our heart and when death strikes, that spot will remain open in our heart forever.
I wish I could hear him say hi mummy again. My life is full of guilt and anger.
We just lost our son On September 27th this year to a car accident. A silage truck t-boned him. My son was 22 years old And his cousin who was 16 both lost their lives ….their lives were just beginning and it pisses me off when they tell me his work on earth was done. Really?? He is in a better place ….no the better place is here with his family not 6 feet under! There is a reason for everything….are you kidding me??? I know people are just trying to make you feel better but when your going through this you realize how bad that all really sounds when your the one it’s being told to. Not fare never will be it’s just f…ked up!!! That’s just plain and simple nothing will make it better nothing will fix it nothing changes it !!! It’s now trying to live with a fake smile so everyone else thinks you got it together and your strong.
I just lost my son in a car accident at 22. He was rammed into by a box truck when his tire blew out on the highway.
He was ready to start law school 2 days after he passed. He had a full ride.
I dont know why God needed him at such a young age. He had so much to do on earth and accomplush. I fluctuate between guilt, anger and knowing God needed him especially during this time. But mostly we are heart broken and that is constant.
Clara, I agree with you wholeheartedly.. and as a mother who has lost two children two years and two weeks apart, tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my 25-year-old daughters death .. I Lost her on February 6th 2018 It never goes away The anger the pain I relive the night before leading up to her murder I’ll never understand why it had to be my child I feel empty inside nauseous and dizzy I remember the night before as if it was just yesterday every year I knew something was going to happen and I just knew it was going to involve my baby something I couldn’t fix not this time I feel that at this very moment as tonight was the last night 3 years ago that she walked this earth… By 6:00 in the morning tomorrow I will have received a phone call a devastating phone call .. that my very beautiful talented full of life baby girl is no longer with us.. She was going to propose to her other half had it all planned out beautifully so young It doesn’t get easier and it never will 2 weeks from now I will once again suffer when I find my disabled son in his bed on February 21st 2020 he had a virus one that they’d never seen we knew it was different he always suffered constant seizures he had a shunt place the week after birth for a cyst That was located on his vision lobes he wasn’t supposed to live past three had 14 surgeries over the years in and out of hospitals all of his life constant seizures cerebral palsy he was blind blood pressure problems one thing after another my baby boy lived to be 31 28 years more than what they said I’d get covid-19 took him from me .. he was one of the first people to succumb to this deadly virus The doctors didn’t know what it was multiple blood tests we did everything couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t getting better when I walked in his room that morning and saw my first-born son who had been through so much gone My whole world collapsed once again he was so smart he graduated distinguished honors presidential pins worked for his school fixing their computers even though he was blind he went to college for 4 years to specialize in computers even though he only could use one hand he played a trumpet and became first trumpeter even though the pressure was dangerous for his brain he never gave up on anything they said he’d never do the things that normal people could he proved them all wrong he was my inspiration The day he was born I gave him my life everything I did was for him the day we said goodbye I felt like I was looking at me in the coffin It’s coming up on a year now and I don’t know where it went I’m stuck in this brain fog I don’t know who I am how to live without him when my whole life revolved around his needs physical speech occupational therapy I refused to give up on him And he proved everybody wrong he was so amazing I couldn’t believe I created such a beautiful life I raised 14 kids in my life I only gave birth to four boys The rest were given to me I didn’t love any one of them any less I’m angry I feel like two beautiful people my babies were taken from me both were murdered and I’ll never have closure for either of them and the pain Will always be with me till the day I die I don’t know what I did to deserve this so wrong I don’t know how to move forward without them I worry about all my other children during this month of February as it has takin’ much from me I’m scared to lose any more of my babies let alone to the month of February I panic everyday where are they I have to hear their voices I want to hold them in my arms take a deep breath and smell their scent I can’t give up I have so many grandchildren and they need me I need me My name is Faith I don’t know if you’ll see this as I’ve attempted to become a part of the community And I guess the moderators don’t want me to be a part of maybe my story isn’t Worthy maybe I should just let go there is no rhyme or reason why no matter where I go I feel like I don’t belong…
I hear you. You belong. We remember.
My son passed exactly one year ago today. I remember the call that I received from my daughter in law, Jonathan was in an accident and I thought ok we can pray and he will get better, but instantly all hope was taken away , when she said, Jonathan is dead.
He was killed by someone driving under the influence and driving reckless who made an illegal u-turn right in front of him while he was on his motorcycle, he didn’t have time to stop, and he ended up inside the back part of that Chevy Suburban, he went through the rear left side window.
Two months ago on February 18, my husband also went to be with the Lord . He was sick but I thought that he was going to be with me a little longer. Now they are both together. Both their deaths hurt, but my son’s death is different because he was 33 and had so much life ahead of him and left behind his 6 year old son. Parents are supposed to die before their children not the other way around. About 15 years ago a friend’s 14 year old son was also killed by someone who ran a red light, now I know what she went through when her son died.
Syliva, I feel for you, back last year my son was badly injured by a blind drunk farmer who I used to consider a friend. Jack was airlifted to Dublin we thought that he would make it 4 days later he died, just one small mark on his chin. This guy pulled his tractor out onto the road without looking, I heard my son approaching on his motorcycle, heard him change gears to slow down just like always I expected him to walk through the door any second, unfortunately the next person though the door was Jack’s best pal breaking the news.
I cannot get over this
Are you doing any better? Its not fair and im so angry. My son just passed on 8/6 this year 😞 he was 27. I dont want to do this anymore
My 23 year old son died suddenly on Christmas Day last year. He was doing volunteer work in Cambodia with the poor. It was his 9th journey back to this country where he was at his best. He suffered from mental illness, but that did not matter there. They loved him for who he was and for his gift for teaching English. I cannot believe I will not see him again.
Hugs! I understand what it is to lose a child on Christmas…how it changes not only your life, but the joy of that holiday. I’m not sure the reality of never seeing them again ever really sets in. XO Emily
My son died in road accident on 22 July 2019 at the age of 13 and people are trying to console me that time will heal my pain. But I feel pain is going deeper with each passing days and will remain in rest of my life . If death is some thing which can come on my wish, I would embrace because I don’t see any charm or attraction in my life without him.
Some time I feel that God has punished me of some sin which may I did in my life.
I also have a daughter age 10 yrs, and perhaps she is only reason that I should live. Now, apprehension of losing her always haunt me.
We lost our sons and I know the pain all too well. My son died at the age of 32. He was a loving son who helped me and his sister financially and he was fun loving. My life is never going to be the same. I have a daughter 22 years old who now struggles with depression because of my son dying. He would stay with his eighty something year old senile dementiated aunt to help her out around the house and would do her grocery shopping. I just said to him weeks before his death to stop going over there so much and be around people your age. I understand this was his ministry, helping others. Well my son passed away this Feb 2, we believe a heart attack at her house and he was dead on her couch for 2 days and she said she thought he was being lazy, clearly anyone sane could see my son had passed away. I kept calling his phone and he never answered, I had horrible feelings so I went by there with my grandson and damn near had a heart attack myself after finding my son dead. I believe I haven’t passed away because I know my daughter needs me. My heart is so broken. I did a lot with my son, we food shopped together, we purchased clothes together, we went to the movies and dinner together. My daughter was away in college so me and my son did everything together. I feel so dead inside but pretend to be alive because I know my son would want me to take care of myself and to be an example to my daughter. This is the worst that I have ever experienced in my life. I notice some people get irritated with me if I mention my son they don’t want to hear it and I don’t want to hear oh he’s free now. Heaven help us mothers.
My son was murdered by his father because I was going to divorce him. I even went to court to get help and told them of his plan. The judge did not listen and told me nothing will happen to my son. I went to crisis center for help and no one helped me. I went to the police department for help and no one believed me. Two weeks later my son was murdered
and my husband commit suicide on the same day. They died of carbon monoxide poisoning and all pre-meditated. This was how I told everyone my husband said he’d do it. And no one believed me. It took a 2 year old boy to die in his sleep for people to start believing. But they all pointed fingers at each other. And no one was reprimanded. But I live a life sentence of pain since February 6th, 2005. The pain is still strong. My only wish is to die young naturally so we can be together as Mother and son in God’s protective arms. No pain just love. I’m waiting.
Riley I totall relate. My son was in a domestic violence situation and she drove him to suicide. She used the courts to keep my son isolated. I jumped up and down telling judges and others my son I gonna kill himself. No one listened. Also no reprimands. The only thing keeping me alive is to make someone see what really happened and punish those that did this.
My 19 year old son died two and a half weeks ago after being in the hospital for 12 days because of a car accident. The driver of the car, was likely drunk, maybe high, and walked away, leaving my son lying in the road for an hour and a half before he was found by a delivery driver. My son never gained consciousness but he hung on for 12 days. It was the longest 12 days of our lives. We are struggling with grief and anger. Anger at the driver who left him there, maybe – just maybe, he would have had a chance if they had gotten to him sooner.
Thank you for sharing this information. I know that there is no blueprint for grief but hearing some of what is likely to happen helps me to know, we’re not all crazy.
We are not crazy! We are just trying to navigate the greatest loss imaginable. Sending so much love to you.
I am sorry… no enough is it? Maybe even lame? I lost my only son today. I don’t know how to feel yet. I am grief stricken… I am angry… and I am lost. LOST.
Dear PhoenixMichaels. I lost my 36 year old son in October 2019. I cry every day for him. I don’t think I will ever stop. My grief comes in strong waves. It is not constant now but when I am alone is the hardest part because I talk out loud to my son and ask why? I know he had a lot of problems in his life lately. I won’t know what happened to him until I get the Coroners report back. I just want my son back but I know for a fact he is gone. I loved him so much, as we all do with our children. I have been reading books on bereavement which as helped, knowing that I am not alone. It’s bloody hard, no doubt, but the crying subsides a bit but the wrench in your heart and gut will take a long time. Just try and take care of yourself and surround yourself with caring people.
Hi sorry doesn’t make u feel better I can relate I lost my son on the 02082019 due to suicide any it doesn’t get better u try and heal but memories come rushing in ppl say time heals but it never does just a small memory of ur child will stop u in ur tracks as a parent u wont suppose to bury ur child….
I can relate to your pain…I saw my son jump from his bedroom window… he unfortunately hit the concrete floor behind our three story home. .. He died April/08/2021… the saddest day of my life…there are no words to describe the pain and the memories that are now engraved in my head. I pray to God for comfort, since I still have two kids left. He was a special one and my best friend … no one saw it coming…the pandemic took a toll on him and in the last three months he showed signs of depression and anxiety, but I had no idea that he would such a thing …I know my baby is in heaven now with Jesus…but I agree with you, time will never heal. Prayer does help me and I wish it could help some other grieving parents . I feel like my friends who never lost their kids ,cannot understand me, but I was able to relate to many people here. Thank you!
I lost Luke x
One day I will die – what a brilliant destination – I cannot wait and daydream about how to hurry it along – we were soul mates of the highest order – we will meet again
I think the same thing… I look forward to my death and being reunited. Hugs!
We lost our son to a relapse 10 weeks back . He was in recovery but made one more final mistake so we were a little caught off guard.He had a many positive things going in his life like work, apartment, meditation and yoga and had recently met his soul mate .I was the one who found him .I cannot remove the image of what I saw ,its unimaginable ,but grateful my wife didn’t see him that way. She is so angry and I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
Sending you so much love! Do whatever feels right in the moment. Grief has no rules so don’t have any expectations. We never get over the trauma of losing our children (and it sounds like yours was very difficult). One day at a time is all you can do as you learn to carry that pain.
I lost my son to a relapse 16 days ago he was 19 I can’t even get out of bed and I feel like I’m letting everyone down my poor 6 year old sees me cry all day how do I go on like this…he too was doing so well clean for 10 months, great job, new apartment with wonderful sober girlfriend. I don’t know why he relapsed. I’m scared I’m going to lose everyone close to me I feel so alone
MHR, lost my son 1 year ago, he was 21 years of age, your comment got my attention, everything you said is what happened to me, my son and family, I feel your pain, and am also still trying to figure out how to get thru life. Thank you for posting
I lost my son on mother’s Day may 13th 2001,from brain cancer he was 14,its a struggle everyday, but I do it, I go to work and live my life but it hurts some days it feels like I’m suffocating, he was my only child so it’s very hard I really miss him I know he’s in a better place he has a room with a view, he’s my angel
He is your angel!! It’s the bravest thing we can do to keep living. So much love to you.
My only child died January 2018 we were going to hang out he got foul mood which wasn’t him I left called him two blocks away his cell phone only was working on wifi he died alone at hospital heart or on way no neighbor call me they knew my number he said he felt little sick so he call ambulance 36 just him and me because he was ADHD and dyslexic we were constantly together I have no one and nothing over 65 I can’t ..
Sending lots of love to you!
I lost my son on March 3,2018 due to a car accident he was 24 years old. My son and his best friend both died. The bodies were so damaged because the car ignited that when the fireman arrived, and put out the fire they could tell if it was a man or woman. They identify the boys with dental records. I miss him so much. This pain I am feeling is over whelming. I cry everyday. I don’t have the energy or will to keep on living. I am trying so hard to move from me crying and feeling depressed
It’s a difficult thing to live after your child is gone. Take care of yourself. I always tell myself my son would want to see us the way we were when he was here, as hard as that may be. My goal is to try and get as close as I can…for him. Hugs!
I too lost my son. He was 24 years old when he died in a car accident on August 11, 2018. I hold on to the coroner’s findings that he was killed in the accident and not in the fire. Most people don’t understand that the circumstances make it so much more than just a car accident. I carry his picture with me wherever I go; I visit his grave every weekend; I cry everyday. I have come to understand that this is who I am now – my new norm. I have to take life at a slower pace; I have to give myself permission to excuse myself when I am over whelmed; I have to make sure I have tissues with me at all times. Our sons would not wish for us to not live our lives. It is our responsibility to keep their memories alive – to embrace the 24 precious years we did have with them. Grief will be our constant companion – we will eventually learn how to neatly fold it and pack it when we must carry it out of sight – and we will gratefully pull it out when we feel a need to wallow in it. But that is ok – we have earned that right by being mothers who have been forced to release our sons much sooner than we were ready. We do not need to be whole to move forward, because that is something we will never be again. No one can tell us to let them go and leave them in the past – with each step forward we will lovingly carry them with us. We move on not in spite of their deaths, but in honor of their lives. God bless you.
Our 8 years Son died on 7th May this year, He was physically disabled child from birth,he was not able to crawl, seat, walk and run, but he was very sweet and intelligent, he was able to communicate little bit, but we always loved him, we always tried best treatment for him, he was under physiotherapy, and we were planning his brain surgery, his mother gave her full time to Baby boy from last 8 years.He had Dystonic strom and admited to hospital on 15th April, there was lots of stiffness in his limbs and unimaginable pain in his waist, he stopped eating from last 15 days.He was in general ward for 9 Days and was in ICU from 23rd April, where his breathing and Blood pressure started decreasing, he was on ventilator, I was in hospital all day though,I could not enter ICU room due to Corona from last 7 days, , he was suffering very much on ventilator and in ICU, Doctor shifted him to general ward on 6th May with our consent, I spoke to him on video call on 6th May and we were very happy that he is in general ward, now I will meet him, and he will feel good and will get motivation to survive, but on 7th May early morning I got call from my wife that his body is too much cold, I reached in hospital but he was no more, I could not meet him, I could not support or help him during his suffering, I am thinking that I could have saved him by keeping him more days in ICU, but I thought he is in stress and pain in ICU, he will fill better when he will see us in General ward, but he died within few hours, we are very upset and feeling guilty, we had lots of dreams about his future treatment, same time we were worried about his dark future, due to lockdown no one can reach to us, we are very upset and in deep sorrow due to sad exit of our Son… I am feeling very guilty, had i killed my child by removing from Ventilator ???
This is so inspirational.
I lost my son 2 weeks ago in a fatal accident. His tire blew out , the car stalled and was hit by a truck.
I believe God needed him to help with all the chaos going on in the world.
We are forever broken now. And trying to process and make sense of why , my son ,who was all that was good in this world was chosen to leave this earth.
I lost my Son 1 month ago from Acute Leukaemia. 2 weeks in hospital then he died. From being healthy and on holidays we came back and he died. He was 33 years old and had a beautiful wife and every thing to live for. 1st oct 2019 we as parents died with him.
Time will move on as people say though we will never move on from our loss of our beautiful boy.
I lost my baby girl at 11 months to a tragic accident. Every day i wake up and miss her. I crave to touch her and hug her. Looking at little girls is so painful. I hate birthdays and hate the month of December.
I lost my middle child, boy, couple weeks ago. He used heroin for over a year, developed endocarditis in February, survived heart valve replacement and recovered nicely. He came home in May and died 8 days later in his bed! Shock!! I don’t know how to go on!! People say you have your other kids to live for… but I miss HIM!! Life is not complete without him. He was only 20 years old , funny, sweet, handsome, smart. I don’t buy this whole GOD bs, and “he’s in a better place now”.. it frustrates me to hear these comments! No! He was supposed to be here with his family, see his sisters get married, be the best man at his brothers wedding and argue with me about all the little things we argued! How do I move on when all I want is to stop living
I understand! He is the missing puzzle piece. Life will never feel complete again without him here. Loss like this is so unfair and cruel. Sending lots of love your way!
My son, Andy, died two days before his birthday on Feb 3, 2013. He was 36. My husband and I had cooked him a birthday dinner and cake but on that day, instead of he and his wife and two year old daughter showing up to celebrate, the phone rang with the bad news just as we finished cooking. We clung to each other to get through February and three weeks after his death, I came home from work and found my husband in a chair, dead, blood clot, heart attack. We were married 37 years. My life has gone on but my broken heart remains broken. My granddaughter is 7 now and she talks about her dad, she wants to have a dad, she wants to know him, and she talks about her pappy. She used to remember them both but the memories fade for a small child. Watching my younger son, now 29, grieve over the loss of his brother and dad just added to my pain. I miss Andy’s beautiful smile and chuckle, his good nature, and his big heart. I miss how we used to have deep conversations about life. I’m sad that he isn’t in his daughter’s life. There is no rhyme or reason or understanding for why these things happen. There is no peace because a mother can spend eons of time wondering about the truth of religious beliefs, the resting place of souls, does the soul exist in another realm, will you see them again, do they know their life meant something, that they are missed and loved. There is no one to talk to about it because those who haven’t experienced losing a child can’t fathom it and they are uncomfortable trying to do so, they can’t go there, of course. Those that have experienced it, well, sometimes it hurts to share our pain.
I understand the spending eons of time questioning everything!! It was my son’s death that solidified my beliefs. I visited a medium shortly after my son died. Things came through that reading that no one could have possibly known. She told me about things I was seeing and hadn’t told anyone… super specific and only Cameron could have known. Things they told me about that didn’t really make sense that day have since come true. There was just so much validation there. I know he is still here with us, just in a different form. It helped me tune into his signs. You’re right though, only another bereaved parent seems comfortable enough to have some of these conversations. I swear I could talk for hours on this topic alone! Hang in there. Life should not have to be this hard, but it is. Sending lots of love.
Where was the medium? Can they do it remotely if they are not local?
I lost my 22 year old son three months ago to suicide. He was my only, the result of five years of infertility. He has been my whole world for so long that I don’t know how to move on. I am currently not working – have been out of work for 18 months and have essentially been estranged from my husband for the last 15 years. Now I am faced with losing my home and everything that represents my son and me. I am so broken hearted that I don’t sleep, don’t eat and just cry, cry and cry. I finally this morning got out of bed for the first time in a week. I don’t know what to do anymore. Next week is his birthday, he would have been 23. 23! So young and had so much to look forward to and now my life is nothing. I see me homeless and wandering the streets in six months. How can someone get over something like this?
Julie, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It totally sucks, but you can do this. Your son would want you to keep going. There is absolutely no getting over it. Put that thought out of your mind and focus more on finding ways to live your life in your son’s memory. Do things for him. Eventually those things will become more routine and slowly you will realize you’re doing it. You don’t have to like it… but you have to do it. If there is anything I can do to support you, I’m here.
Hi my name is Chris and I lost my son 23yrs old my mum and my dad and my 3mth old granddaughter all in 34 month period life is poo but we all somehow struggle on you are all brave people even if you think your not x
Sending lots of love your way!
Hello, my son was murdered Aug 5, 2017 today has been 11 months without him he was only 23 at the time we celebrated my baby’s 24th Birthday at the grave site. I having been crying more as the one year mark gets closer. He left behind a beautiful daughter my only grandchild. My heart aches I have attended some counseling but I don’t think it has help all I know is this is the worst pain I have ever felt. Your article makes so much sense u wish people who haven’t lost some one could read it and understand each day is struggle for me. I smile in public but cry in private. And the one thing I dislike is when someone else tell me he is in better place, I know my son is heaven but the words hurt more.
I lost my 2 year old son James just over 3 weeks ago. He choked on a bit of sausage at breakfast while on holiday. The ambulance took 6 minutes to arrive and free the food which despite members of the public trying to help was stuck. He was in intensive care for 2 weeks before losing his fight. He was my whole world and we were together every minute of the day. I have no other children or partner and its so hard to find a reason to live. I don’t believe that suicide will get me to James so for now I’m just surviving praying God will take me soon too
My dear people, on 23rd of July 2017 my son Aristotle, 20 years old, died of leukemia complications. Actually he had beaten leukemia but his immune system was so weak that some kind of bacteria killed him within few hours. There is not a single day I did not cry since that day. I cry because it makes me feel better and because i missed him. I cry because I know that there is not a single day that young people die unexpectedly and that is because we are mortal.
Grieving is normal and one should experience the way he/she believe is better BUT I believe that living a poor life does not honor his memory. I am trying to do the best for my family and myshelf. Once we are alive we should have hope for ourselves and the people that are alive and we love.
We all here know the earth did not stop after our loss. We are so many people in the same situation. We have to carry on, remembering and doing our life and the life of others better. More brave ones have the courage to help others in the same situation too.
My love. May you all find strenght
I lost my son to suiside in July 2013 cannot get over it
We lost our son 2014, July 18. He was a suicide and the best thing I can hear is I cannot imagine how you feel. No you don’t and I am so thankful for that and hope you never do understand.
His birthday is Saturday and we will spend the day just going through memories and pictures.
Thank you God we were chosen to be his mom and dad and that we had him 44 years.
My wonderful son Michael died a month ago and I can’t breathe. I am just taking up space. I pray pray pray n nothing no one can help me. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this unbeatable sorrow. Lord help me
My son died in his twenties, 9 years ago. I googled about grief, and am typing this note, at 1:30 in the morning, because I can’t sleep for the pain of his absence, because I still cry all the time. But having said that, I will also say I am better. I’ve learned to manage the pain better.
I recently had the sad occasion to give (asked for) advice to a friend whose 11 yr old son has died suddenly, in a car accident. And yes, “your grief and your path will be unique to you” was part of it. Also, I didn’t beat around the bush when it came to saying that her pain was going to be everlasting: it was about learning to live with it, not about getting over it. I told her to take every appropriate opportunity to cry and sob and scream and let it out, out, out, if she was so inclined. And lastly, I told her that when she felt ready . . . and it could be months or many years . . . what helps the most is getting back out there in the world, living and contributing again, finding something that focuses you outside yourself, i.e., finding a sense of purpose again, finding a way to make something positive grow from something so horrendously negative.
My son was my only child, as was hers. He was my reason for getting up in the morning. I had to find a new reason.
Hi my name is Mel. I lost my 19 year old son Alex when he fell and hit his head on June 5 2018. He died from severe brain damage. I miss his smile, his hugs, his laugh….. no one has any idea how I feel to lose my baby when his life was just starting. I feel as if there is a hole in my chest that will never close. He wasn’t only my son but my friend. Yes he respected me as his mother but he knew there was nothing he couldn’t tell me. I’m so damn angry that he is gone…. I cry everyday… think of him everyday. The old Mel is gone… she died with her baby.
Hi Emily, thank you for sharing your thoughts to the rest of us. It was as if you had gone into my heart and arranged the tangled emotions I was troubling with. Every grief path is indeed unique and sharing how hard it is, strangely is more of a relief. I thought at first that my grief for my 6 yr old Matias was just about hiding the feelings; but after reading your blog in does make sense to somehow shout out those troubling feelings in order to gain some sort of stability in life. In my case as a grieving father, it has been tough! Any advice?
My name is Mary. I just lost my son, Gabe on Aug. 21st….3 days ago. He was my boy. Gabe died by suicide and the thought alone of him being in the kind of pain where death was his only option, is tearing me apart. I’m utterly and thoroughly destroyed. I feel like a broken compass, I cant get away anywhere to feel relief from this painful longing for him to come through the door, for reality to change just this one time, for it not to be real.
I don’t know if you will find this post, but if you do, I want you to know that I understand how it feels because I too, am in the same situation. I don’t know how you feel, but I understand. Hugs all around! Lost Cameron 23, to suicide by GSW, on November 21st 2018….Thanksgiving day. I found him at his apartment when he didn’t show up…..Contact me if you like…
I just came across your blog. My two year old daughter died yesterday and I feel completely broken. I have no idea how to continue without my baby. I was not prepared to lose her this early in life (botched transplant) and I am racked with guilt for all the things I put off until later. She was so special, beautiful, smart, loving and sassy, would have made a difference in the world. I cannot stop crying enough to focus on my other children, definitely selfish in my grief. Luckily my husband is picking up the slack, but he says that he needs me. I do not think I have anything to give anyone.
I lost a SON 13 years ago he was 20 and a junior at Wentworth College for engineering it feels like yesterday and nobody can possibly feel the pain there is no worst pain than burying your child before you but I try to be strong for my other SON because if it weren’t for him I would of definately killed myself so try to.put away your pain for others that need you
I just lost my son Sept 5th. But i still have trouble believing he is gone. 2 summers ago on my birthday was the first time we took him to the emergency room, they had to give him blood, band his bleeding esophageal varices then transferred him to a liver centerin Westchester. I realized at that time that my son had the disease of alchoholism. The liver dr. Told hom he needed a new liver, but he had to be clean and sober for at least a year before he could be active on the transplant list. Well he had gone to rehab 3 times, and had the banding again before this. I received a call on August 20th that he,was,in the ER. By the morning pf the 21st, my daughter called and said I needed to get to the hospital
I got in my car and drove 19 hours, stopping only for gas, until i got to the hospital. He was in the MICU, in a coma all full of needles, intubated and on a Ventilator, etc. I stayed there with him for the next 2 weeks, hoping and praying..we had a couple of days when he regained consciousness, and hope went up, but then after a test, his bp dropped, and it was the beginning of the end. I guess I knew in my heart… but as i sat with him on the night of the 4th, i just sat in a wooden chair next to his bed holding his hand all night, and then in the mornin g the drs came and said they had done all they could….
Im still having so muchh trouble accepting it. I just found a,paper mixed in with his,others, that stated when he left the last rehab, before he came to his sister, that he had end stage liver disease. He knew he was dying…. i feel so much guilt for all the mistakes i made when he was small..At this,point all i can do is,pray that he is at peace, no more suffering… maybe with his grandad… i just wish for a sign of some kind that he is,ok
I lost my son on November 14, 2019 and it is a very similar situation. 6 years of addiction with the last one being in and out of hospitals. He went from addiction to heroin to alcohol. He had an emergency procedure on his stomach (vomiting blood), rehabs. The last hospital stay was from July 27 to November 14. His liver wasn’t working, kidneys shut down, he gained 130 pounds of water weight. At the end he was bleeding and leaking fluids from his whole body. We had a day with some lucidity, but he was full of tubes. We had to make the decision to take him off life support and I am kicking myself over it. I am in physical pain every day. I want to go to bed and stay there but I can’t. I cry often. I feel like I killed my own baby. He was 26.
I lost my only son that was only 36, He die from cardiomyopathy which is a horrible disease, he had it for a few years, He always had such a positive attitude, everything would be ok, I loved him so much and didn’t think I could go on but life goes on, Just so different. It was 3 years ago and I am typing with tears rolling down. My heart goes out to everyone that has lost a child. Bless you and please know that you are not alone.
I lost my oldest son on March 11, 2018, he had just turned 34 years old. The day before he fell ill I buried my dad on March 2, 2018. My son spoke at his grandfather’s funeral and did an amazing job. The very next day he had a cardiac event at my home and I did CPR until the medics arrived, which was only about 5 minutes. He made it to the hospital but had a global brain injury due to lack of oxygen and died a week later. I have a husband and two younger boys who I adore but nobody can take the place of the person you lost. He was not only my son but my confidant and friend. There are no words to describe the overwhelming sadness. I pray for all the parents who have ever lost a child, it’s something you cannot imagine before or after it happens.
My disabled son decided at 18 to have no more treatment and has just died aged 20. What do I do?
My son died on October 25th, 2018. He was eight months old. I decided then that my little boy wasn’t going to watch me from where he was now, seeing that his death had ruined my life. I was determined to make sure he saw that this changed my life for the better – that even though I had lost him, my time with him had changed me for the better. It has been twenty hard years, and as an autistic man, sometimes more daunting, yet sometimes blessed for that uniqueness as well – I am in the final year of a graduate degree from a University and Institute that helped me become some of the man I am today. My boy knows that he inspired determination in me to never take anything for granted, yet to take this moment that I have to its fullest. I still have an incredibly hard time every year at this time, and at his birthday. This pain reminds me just how very much I love him, my boy who is Somewhere Bigger than us both. Thank you for this website, thank you all for the comments – love never dies, and I cherish whatever insights or experiences which allowed me to take this broken heart and see the Light shining through the crevasses. They run as deep as my love does…
My son died on October 25th, 1998. He was eight months old. I decided then that my little boy wasn’t going to watch me from where he was now, seeing that his death had ruined my life. I was determined to make sure he saw that this changed my life for the better – that even though I had lost him, my time with him had changed me for the better. It has been twenty hard years, and as an autistic man, sometimes more daunting, yet sometimes blessed for that uniqueness as well – I am in the final year of a graduate degree from a University and Institute that helped me become some of the man I am today. My boy knows that he inspired determination in me to never take anything for granted, yet to take this moment that I have to its fullest. I still have an incredibly hard time every year at this time, and at his birthday. This pain reminds me just how very much I love him, my boy who is Somewhere Bigger than us both. Thank you for this website, thank you all for the comments – love never dies, and I cherish whatever insights or experiences which allowed me to take this broken heart and see the Light shining through the crevasses. They run as deep as my love does…
Thanks for the article Emily. My wife and I lost our 21 yo son this July to a heart arrhythmia. Your article is definitely on point, there does seem to be some comfort in talking with those who have lost their children, no one else can understand. Both of my boys were autistic (high functioning), my 23 yo still lives with us. I don’t think the grief ever goes away, it just gets a little better with less intensity and frequency. Ditto on the “I’m so sorry, he’s in a better place” etc. I and my wife are Christians and we do believe he is in a better place, but for me, the better place is back home with his family! Anyway, thanks for the article and you are correct, this sucks.
I am so grateful for this forum and the previous comments from the other parents who have lost their children and shared their stories. They hace allowed me to know, ” I AM NOT ALONE”. I lost my 35 year old son, June 12, 2018 from sickle cell anemia disease. He also had kidney disease but it was a fatal episode of the sickle cell that damaged so much of his internal organs that he passed in ICU. The worst thing a parent (s) can hear from the medical community is, ” There’s nothing more they can do” and wait for your child to die before your eyes. His life slip away like sand in your hands. His death has left me and my family DEVASTATED. He was a Bright Light in my life and others. He was an animator in California and worked on major films. His name is listed in the credits and film. I have personally been challenged to find ways to live and move on. He was my biggest cheer leader and supporter. I keep obsessing over what i could have done differently ( via diet( to keep him here being a former health professional and natural remedy advocate. But you can’t FIX sonething you don’t know or hidden. My marriage was fragile before the death but now, we are struggling find our way back to each other and grieve. Thank you again for this forum and support.
feel awful but comfort in reading your stories Aden died January 2017 rwo weeks before University burnt in car crash Had to support his friends now they support me My duaghter grieves with friends cant with me We all do it differently Ive changed Work is good but then Im done no time for people need so much recharge time to put on public face Life has become distraction and holding it in til Im alone Doesnt matter what others suffer you have to go along your path Cant think of memorials or setting up scholarship in his name just busy hurting at the moment AND THATS OK Love to all
My son died on the 2nd if April this year on his moped while traveling to work! I never thought I could feel the pain I feel my hearts broken in to bits! He wasn’t just my son he was my world my everything an all I’m left with is WHY? His baby girl was 18 days old when he died. His life was just beginning!!
I lost my son 27 years ago to suicide, he was 23 and my first born. Every day is a struggle, but through faith and the love of family and friends the struggle gets better. I finally turned everything over to God and He takes me through my journey each day and puts a smile on my face. Nothing, but nothing will ever totally wipe the pain from my heart. I look forward to being able to see my son again in heaven. To all mothers who have suffered the loss of a child or children, I pray each day that your pain is lessened and life goes on and eventually you can extend your hand and comfort those who suffer loss. May God bless and keep each of you.
We just lost our son Daniel about a month ago (cause undetermined) and his 21st Birthday was yesterday. We are completely distraught in trying to move ahead, everything and everywhere are emotional triggers. We have been to several groups , not a good match and evokes amplified emotions. Some have worse stories than ours.
I just found this site and will read with an open mind to hopefully find some helpful tips to share with my wife and other 19 year young son.
There are no answers , and no magic pills that can give us solice.
The only thing that works for short bursts of comfort is when we talk about Daniel, his stories, contagious laughter ,etc. We visit our sons grave at least once a day and tell him stories of our days activities. We do this in an upbeat manner because he loved stories and never wanted us or those around him to be sad.
I will look for inspiration from these types of blogs.
Thank you to all know advance.
Best To All Who Are Struggling Thru
I am sad angry furious hurt alone and annoyed that people say things like it’s Gods plan or he’s in a better place. WTF he was in a good place he was here with us and loved and cared for. I have cut out so many people in my life now as their so called soothing comments do not help.
I lost my 26 year old son on Father’s day six months ago. It was sudden and unexpected. He went to the hospital the night before after him and his friend both done some meth in a casino parking lot. Right after the shot he started freaking out and became delusional. He also had pneumonia from being in jail around other sick people. They didn’t give him any antibiotics because he had no money on his inmate account. I’m still waiting on the cause of death. I don’t know if he died from pneumonia or from the drugs taken that night. He died the next morning. The Dr brought him back four times but his vitals weren’t strong enough to keep him alive. He had only been out of jail three days. His step mom was called by the hospital because there was texts from her on his phone and no one was there with him. They didn’t have an emergency contact for him and he was not in his right mind the whole time so he wasn’t able to tell them my number to call me. I’m really upset because his step mom went up there that night and was called back that morning as soon as he passed away and she didn’t call me. She didn’t call anyone at all. I don’t understand why she didn’t inform me or any of our family. But I’m so mad at her for not calling me that night. I could have stayed there the whole time with him. He didn’t have anyone there when he died. I am so upset with his step mom over this. I haven’t been able to talk to her and ask her why. She didn’t call me until three hours after he passed. I know it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. But I could have been there comforting him the whole time. I would have stayed by his side and talked to him to let him know Mom was there. I should have been there telling him it’ll be ok and that I love him and not to be scared. I should have been there for his last breath and heartbeat. She took that away from me because she didn’t care enough to call his family knowing how critical his situation was then. I may never be able to ask her why. Nothing she can say or no excuse she tried would be acceptable. I’m afraid I would lose it with her. Maybe one day. I hurt so bad since Bubba died. He was cremated and I never take off my necklace with his ashes in them. I talk to him, write him letters, wear his shirt I found a few weeks ago. I have the pants he died in from the hospital. They let me set in his room where he took his last breath. I asked and received a print out of his heartbeat from the night before. I cling onto and collect anything I come across of his belongings. I wish I would have thought to cut a piece of his hair at his viewing. Everything I do have is neatly kept. I wish I had more of him to cherish. You can never have enough pictures, letters, videos, etc to look back on after losing a loved one. Especially your own child. He had my best characteristic, my humor. He loved to make others laugh. No matter what he had to do to get it. I feel like the best part of myself died with him. I don’t feel like I’m the same person and I don’t think I ever will be back to my old self after losing him. I can’t quit thinking about him. Not a day goes by that he’s not on my mind and in my heart. It is still such a raw and open wound. It seems like it happened yesterday everyday. Everyone else has just gone on with their life’s. It’s like old news in the past to everyone. Everyone else but me it seems. His sister’s and brothers miss him deeply. I miss him at such a deeper level. He was such a caring, loving and funny person. He loved his family and doing family things together. He was the glue that held us together and he solved any and all spats we had with each other or anyone else. I am so lost and shattered without him here with us now. It’s really hard to accept the fact that he’s never going to show up at my door again. He’s never going to be at any family gatherings. He’s gone. He’s not coming back. He died and it really sucks. My husband has been amazing through all my moods that change daily. I just wish more people would talk to me about him. Tell me their stories and times they’ve enjoyed with him. I think they just don’t know how to come at me. I want to listen, talk and remember him. He died. But he also existed. He still does in my heart and soul. Is there more emotions and difficulties that I’m going to be faced with along this journey? Any words or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for making this site. I needed to hear others stories about losing a child.
My son died on February 5, 2018 at the age of 18. He was a U.S. Marine and he died of flesh eating bacteria. My soul is torn to pieces. I raised him and his sisters on my own and we were extremely close. Every day when I wake up he dies all over again. It is unbearable. Every day is exhausting having to fake being normal enough to function in this world where I don’t fit in or belong. I cry every day and behind my public mask I’m screaming at the horror of it all.
I feel for all the moms and dads represented here. I joined this club on January 7, 2018 when my 24 year old warm, loving, giving, handsome, heart of gold, son died unexpectedly in a car accident. Never thought such pain, sorrow, grief and heartache was possible. He had just graduated college and found a great job, on his way to adult life and doing great. This is not how his story was supposed to end.. I had looked forward to weddings, family, grandkids… Most people disappeared after the funeral and we never heard from or saw them again. Others change topics when we mention his name. A few, including his friends from school and work, continue to visit, talk and laugh with us about him often, and for this we are eternally grateful. Only by God’s grace have I survived this year. One foot in front of the other. You are right. “The journey we walk is our own. No one can tell us how to do it. We simply have to do whatever we feel is right in the moment for us.” Thanks for that epiphany! We should all do what works for our individual situation. No Judging. For me, my faith in God is working ever so slowly and giving me an anchor. I don’t understand it all, the questions are still there and some days I just want to sleep….. and never wake up, but I trust that one day I will see the full picture. Heaven feels much closer now, my fear of death is gone and I can not wait for the reunion. Nothing here in this world gives me joy or satisfaction any longer. The laughter is gone. There’s no getting over that “amputation” but as I approach his 1st heavenly birthday, I can begin to see just a wee bit tiny glimmer of sunshine through the foggy and cloudy days. Every day I ask for strength to get up out of bed and show love and compassion to others, even when I don’t feel like it, for I know my son would love that. Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone in this grief. Sending Love and Light your way.
I too have lost my son dec 10 2018. His girlfriend called me in the am and said he would not wake up to go to work. My world has fell apart. He was not only my son but my best friend. 28 yrs old. I held his hand for 3 hrs at his funeral. I wish so much it was me instead. I agree with Emily, I still want to tell people to shut up! NOBODY will ever understand unless it happens to them. I never thought a person could cry so much. I dont think I will ever get over it. Everything I look at reminds me of him. I can say that I DO know what its like. It happened to me.
So true that no one will fully understand until it happens to them. We will never get over the loss of our children. Hugs!
This thread helped me. My son died almost 3 years ago in April. I am always sad & hurting. I have never felt pain like this. I wish all the time I could just go and be with him. What is the point of living like this . I, after almost 3 years, just go through life doing what I have to do to
get by. I have no ambition to do anything. I have another son but he doesn’t truly understand what I am feeling. He hates seeing me so down . I saw a friend today who told me straight out. Look, this happened to YOU. It really happened. You don’t have to worry about trying to be happy in front of your family if you are not feeling happy. It hit me that I have been trying to act happy around everyone in my family to make them feel better but my girlfriend said please stop doing that. Take the time to find a way to make yourself feel better. I know my life is altered forever. This really broke me!! I will never adjust to being without Peter. He was intelligent, artistic, funny as he could be, & there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do, fix or build. He was so loving and so kind hearted. He talked to me one day about the Solar System & the Universe and I am sitting there thinking how the heck does he know all of this. I was in awe of his knowledge. He was so smart and it is such a loss for me that I have cried everyday and night for almost 3 years. Today my friend set me straight. When she said this HAPPENED to you and you don’t have to worry about making anyone happy but yourself because everyone else is able to deal with it. It sort of shocked me into telling myself this boy was MY son and this is MY grief and I will deal with it as I choose and hopefully I will find a way to look forward to seeing him again. I have to believe I will see his sweet smile and face again. I simply cannot believe otherwise. That is what I will hold onto now.
We lost our youngest of 2 sons, 2 months after he turned 19 in a motorcycle accident Easter weekend of 2017. He was in the Navy stationed in Jacksonville Fl. when it happened. We have learned so much and still have a way to go but I will share what I can to help.
Our loved ones are not in pain here. We are! That being said, It is our journey alone to figure out how to continue without them and get through our pain and heartache. We have all experienced the changes to our address book. At first I was upset that some of the people that we expected to come through did not. Sound familiar? Well now I embrace the changes. The old contacts that cannot handle all of our pain because it is so incomprehensible, I simply let go. They cannot afford us with anything that will help. I do not fault them and simply letting go of them puts that behind me. They may come back, or they may not. Either way, that’s one less thing to bring me down.
My wife and seeking every resource available to navigate this mess. People further on can shed light and share with us their experience. We are very open to meet anyone who has had a loss and the other people who give us Love and caring through our journey. It is a trade off that we wouldn’t have any other way. There are many people out there who have not had similar losses but that does not mean that they don’t have anything for us. Graces will come from some of the least likely places. Be on the lookout for them. Embrace them and nurture them.
We all have a unique view of life now. This is “YOUR” journey. Your life. So dig deep because you are the one that is in charge of your story. I am working on finding myself and learning to live with this mess. But I have seen cases of complicated grief and I wish not to continue to my end in that way.
We are left to be their legacy and share who they were to others that are in our address book.
Embrace the journey, Share the memories
Mike- we lost our 25 year old son less than 3 months ago.
Your reply touches me. My husband and I are also looking to those who offer grace and hope. I must believe in hope or I will not make it so I choose to.
I especially agree about being our son’s legacy. My beautiful, outgoing, kind boy wouldn’t want it any other way. I know the same is true of yours.
It totally sucks, everyone !!!! But we must have hope! Pray! Ask the Holy Spirit to fill us all. Our children are always with us… not tangible which is what we crave, but talk to them and look for signs. I send love to all of you and will include you in my prayers.
Emily, thank you for all these courages words & advice. My son mykel died of an overdose on November 19,2014. Emily for me it feel like yesterday. The pain in my heart is unbearable at times but when it stops hurting I get upset. I feel like that pain will keep me and my son together. I’ve always been a single mother with no help. I love all you advice and I will try hard to get better but right now I feel like I probably will die from a broken heart. I still have my daughter and now she’s 26, she passed her brother in age now and that was hard for the both of us. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t tell the difference between grieving & depression. I can’t get out of bed. Every year I say I will try a lilttle harder but it’s the worse. Idk thank you for this article. LOve Susan Broken hearted mommy.
Sending you so much love and strength Susan! This is not easy at all. Every day is a new chance. I look at it as I am living my life for both of us. I know he is right beside me and so I want to make him proud (for whatever that is worth). Take it one day at a time. Find something you can do in his honor that helps. Grief and depression can go hand-in-hand, that’s for sure. Take care of yourself. I created a Facebook group to connect bereaved parents to share/connect and support each other. You are welcome to join (assuming you are on Facebook). https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingafterchildloss/ Hugs!
My son 26.. too died of an accidental overdose 4 months ago..& I’m still in disbelief…His last words were..”I’m Sorry..I’m Sorry”…So much guilt & regrets…mixed emotions…Prayer keeps me going..
While I agree with you on most of what you said here, I have to say I disagree that saying “I am sorry ” is the worst thing you can say. I will say that “I am sorry for your loss” is like running fingernails down a chalkboard for me. But a true “I am sorry” or I am so sorry” is to me true sympathy when maybe you just don’t know what else to say. It’s certainly better than what a few of my friends have done – totally ignore what has happened, never mention my husband’s name. Now that kills me inside!!!! We are all different. There are no rules what helps – what comforts.
My son died of a seizure 11-18-2018. I found him in his bedroom. on the floor. He was 33, and a loving, open person. It had been so very hard. I have support, even friends who have lost sons. Slowly I am breathing and crying when I am alone. Two weeks ago my ex-husband called, at work, to get information. My son knew him for the soulless cretin he was . My son cut all ties with my ex when he was 20. The SOB tried to play the victim, when he could not even say he was sorry. I am back to the lonely room to cry. I miss him. I cling to the knowledge that reincarnation will unite he and I.
I felt so comforted whilst reading ur blog. I lost my fiance when i was 7 months pregnant 5 years ago in a biking accident and 2 years ago, my 2 year old son drowned. His nanny who has been part of our family for 15years left the door open and he ran out and managed to go to the pool. My nanny also drowned with him trying to save him. If I can give any parent that lost a child: u will never get over the loss of ur child! U learn to live with it daily. U will cry rivers of tears for years to come. That’s OK, live in ur moment. The first year is hard but the second and third year is the worst. So many “firsts” u have to do on ur own. I wish u strength to get thru it….lastly, u will never be the same person ever again. Find the new u, find what helps u cope with ur child’s death and trying to get thru it daily….I realised every death has a name eg: a wife or husband dies, u r a widow, but their is no name for parents losing a child….the kids shud be burying us, not the other way around…. To all u parents who lost children, I salute u! Its a long road….I def do not wish this pain or suffering waking up daily knowing ur child is gone…much love and hugs Bron
I write poetry to help me deal with the murder of my only son. He would be laughing at me probably, since he was the wordsmith with his music writing and singing. This is what I get out of his death. It’s not really advice since I haven’t come very far in the five years I’ve been on this grief journey. My mantra is, “I’m ok with not being ok.” Don’t know if that’s very healthy, but we were inseparable and now we’re forever separated and I just miss him. ..the past him and the future him. Anyway, here’s what that grief is about for me. Thank you for providing this site to those of us who have lost the most precious gift we were ever given. Maybe that’s my advice…find someone who understands, because they’re on this same journey.
Hopes and dreams laid aside
Gifts unopened, tears undried
A life of promise, so much to fill
How could this be, my God’s will?
So much unsaid, so much love to give
From us both if you had lived
Talks and advice I would love to share
Of things on which we both did care
Life and love, all things to attend
Baseball, music, being with friends
So many things that you could be
My life I would give for you to see
My greatest fear was to lose my son
Now I’ve lost him my fear has gone
There’s nothing left for me to fear
I’ve lost the one I held so dear
The worst is over, the horror is past
The thing I feared most has happened at last
No more do I worry…no more do I care
Nothing can hurt when a heart isn’t there
I’ve been through hell and survived somehow
Nothing else can touch me now
There’s nothing to fear of life to come
I lost it all when I lost my son
Hi Emily your blog has helped me thank you for that . I lost my eldest son to suicide just 10 weeks ago I’m doing anything it takes to survive at this point . I hope one day I can find some peace . Much love to all on here x
Im not ready , its only 2 weeks my world stoped with his dead , im only walking dead , only mother nows the pain lusing child , does it ever pass to let me live , i have my wonderfull douther i must live , but my only thout to go to him , but i cant
My son died when he fell off a cliff last February, one year ago and I am just as heartbroken and in pieces now. I cry so much and the only way I feel any comfort is to go to his grave each day as that is where I left him. I make sure it looks nice and I talk to him and tell how much I love and miss him. I can release my grief there as I feel like I am with him. He was 26 when he died and 27 when I buried him. The shock hits me everyday and the pain never goes away.
I lost my son on March 4, 2019. He was going to be 22 years old on July 8, 2019. He was accepted to Western Michigan University and was waiting for a few more colleges to respond. He wanted to be a nurse. Very handsome, worked out all the time. Vegan for the past 2 years. I have an empty spot in the center of my chest. It hurts all the time unless I am sleeping.
Taylor, I have loved you, I love you and I will always love you. Dad
Hi I lost my son on the 29th Jan 2019 he died from carbon monoxide poisoning I was talking to him the night before it was sudden and shocking I don’t know how to come to terms with it I have no closure to everyone else it’s history to me I’m in a world of mental torture and real physical pain and I’m not coping I don’t know how Paul was 37 years old I’m lost
I found my beautiful 21 year old son Eric face down on his bed on March 3 at 2:00. We were getting ready for his brothers 13th birthday party. I had just spoken with him a half an hour prior. I gave him narcan and did cpr. 9-1-1 called and it took a half hour for them to get a small pulse. He was on life support for 5 days before they declared him brain dead. For the past month I have struggled with what I could have done differently…we have learned from the medical examiner that it was fentanyl. Now I feel angry and feel he was murdered. He was a beautiful soul with much to offer this world. When he was in the hospital hundreds of people came to see him. Hospital staff said they had never seen anything like it. The amount of lives he touched was amazing, he truly cared about and wanted to help people. I have 5 other children and he had a very close relationship with all of them, even in the midst of his pain and struggle with addiction. Even in his death he helped people and saved 6 lives through organ donation. If it weren’t for my husband and other children I would not want to go on living. There is a huge hole in my life that can never be filled. He was my best friend. This is an absolutely inexplicable pain…I am praying for strength
Please know you did everything you could with the information you had. Addiction is powerful and is 100% to blame here. It sounds like your son was an amazing man. Hold onto those memories. This is not an easy road (as you know). There will always be a huge hole. If you are on Facebook, I have a privatae group for bereaved parents to connect and support each other. It definitely helps to know you aren’t alone (or crazy as I so often felt). If/when you are ready, the link is below. Sending lots of love!
I just lost my 19 year son to an overdose and we don’t know what the drug was as of yet. Still waiting on the toxicology report to come back. I had to give him cpr. I knew he was gone however the whole time I was giving it. I am so lost and my life is just so different.
My story is so much the same as yours. I need help. He was my youngest and left his brother and step family in pain that can only be understood by people like us. He will be gone 4 months on 02/04/2021. I feel like I could just go if I didn’t have to be alive so the rest can have strength to survive this.
I offer many resources to help bereaved parents. You can find them at http://www.afterchildloss.com/resources
Our only child, Joshua died August 29, 2016 from an accidental prescription overdose from fentanyl, Xanax and oxycodone. He told his mother and I he loved us, went to bed and we found him the next morning in his bed, gone. He was my best friend as well as my son, he even told his friends that his dad was his best friend, and we had some of his friends tell us he would tell them how much he loved his parents, and for that I’m so thankful. He had just turned 29 2 weeks prior to his passing. Even now almost 3 years later it’s still devastating, the house is so quiet, my wife and I talk about him a lot. We know that all we have in this world is God and each other. Shortly after the funeral everyone stayed away and we’ve just worked through this with each other and the Lord. Some days are what I call good, but they’re really not, some days are horrible, you are right it seems that sometimes the longer it’s been the harder it gets, not easier. I used to think right after it happened that time would somehow help, but now I know I’ll never “get over it”, it will always be a part of who I am. My wife and I have changed so much and now I know life will always be “before” and “after”. Sorry for this being so long, I just miss my baby in heaven, and I just want to know that I’ll see him again, that helps keep me going. And I know that where he’s at he loves us and we love him, now more than ever, and that bond will NEVER be broken.
I lost my 26 yr old son on 3-23-18. He spent 82 days in icu and lost his fight. It’s still surreal. It’s day by day-some days better than others. I appreciate the postings/comments. I know I am not alone.
My son, (the youngest of three), who is 20 was recently taken away suddenly in a horrible accident on 5/26.
He was struck by a train and killed.
He had earbuds in. As a music lover, he had them in regularly.
The investigation video showed by the time he felt or heard the train, it was directly behind him and he had no time to react.
I will never forget when the police came with this news. It is shocking and something you never expect or want to hear.
He was at the medical examiner’s office and I wasn’t allowed to see him. He was identified by his dental records.
His young, strong body was broken and battered beyond repair or revival. It killed me to think of what his body suffered or the shock and then fear as he turned his head to look behind him at the last moment of his life.
I never got to say goodbye or hold his hand or tell him it would be ok or that I loved him.
He leaves behind his little boy who he fought so hard to see for the last 18 months. He was finally getting the recognition he so rightfully deserved. He fought for his son right from his birth to be involved. Despite his young age, he was ready for this role.
This past father’s day was excruciating.
He will never see his son again. This breaks me. I will now have to continue the fight to see him. I mourn the father he was going to be. I mourn the bright and promising future he will never get or that he won’t see 21.
I am angry and hurt.
He was a loyal friend. He was charismatic and funny. He was positive and happy.
I look at his memorial card of his vibrant, smiling face with his bright, shining eyes and at his cremated remains and I cannot believe it is him now. I would do anything to change this. I have never experienced such sadness, it is deep and it is truly grips you.
He got ripped off. The dynamic has changed, forever. I know my life will always have a void and the sadness will always be there in the background, clenching my heart and throat.
I worry about him and wonder if he’s ok. Why wasn’t there any divine intervention in his case? It feels so unfair and unjust.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore, I just have to believe that he is somewhere good. He truly deserves that.
Nothing could ever prepare a person or family for this.
As long as I am alive, he will continue to be loved, cherished and always remembered.
Thanks for sharing your story! Hugs.
Hugs to you as well!
I lost my son Thabiso on 5th July 2019 two days after he just turned 10. He was Autistic but on that day he was fine. I was with him 15 minutes before he died we were cuddling and hugging. My helper was feeding him when he started struggling to breath, by the time i was called he was in a bad state and died in my arms.
Im so angry, so confused, most of the time i just want to be alone. I can not sleep at night i always wish i could hv saved my baby
My son Ashton was senselessly murdered 9 months ago. All of my adult life I’ve been the go to person to help others with their issues, problems and worries. When my Ashton was murdered, I figured out very quickly, I couldn’t do that anymore. Listening to their problems really ticked me off because my son is dead and you’re complaining about what? I agree, everyone’s grief is different. People have to do what’s best for them! Best for their mental health, cause me and PTSD been holding hands. I didn’t take antidepressants because I thought it best to feel the pain in its fullness and not cover it up with addictive meds. After all, the pain would still be there and if feeling it keeps me connected to my Ashton, so be it! My advice is like yours, be selfish and oh well! Self care is seemingly selfish, but very necessary!
My son died just over 2 weeks ago. It was very sudden and a big shock to us all. We don’t know the cause as yet he had epilepsy and also had a problem with prescription medication. He was a very vulnerable young man aged 28. He loved disney, star wars and musical theatre. Lost both my parents a few years back and thought of a natural order to life meant I or my wife would be next with our children following but no fate had a nasty hand to play. We have always struggled and this feels like we are being punished by some higher power who is just wicked. I am so angry and upset its just not fair or right that evil people live charmed lives while the best people struggle and are besieged by tragedy.
Today is our son’s birthday….he would be 23 years of age. A drunk driver killed him last year on July 26, 2018. He was only 21! Since his birthday was in a few weeks….we had surprised him with his birthday gift early, I am so glad we did. Our son was coming home from work…he had called us and we were on the phone with him when the drunk driver hit him head on. Our son was a beautiful soul…so smart, kind, humble…it hurts so much to have lost him. He was our only child…and we will never see him experience life. I get so angry at times with people that always tell you it will be ok. No it is not…they haven’t lost a child! I miss our son so much! The hurt and pain my husband and I experience is unimaginable.
My 37 year old son died, September 5,2019, after suffering with end stage cirrhosis of the liver. I lost my husband to colon cancer in 2015 then my brother December 3 of last year. So I know a little about grief. And I feel the same way. The day my son passed my daughter-in-law”s mother kept following me Hugging me and saying, it’s going to be all right, it was for the best, he’s better off and God know what he’s doing. If she has said these things one more time, I would have throat punched her. It was not fair, nor was he better off. Or was it me that wasn’t better off. Either. Way I wanted him with me.
Thank you for writing this.
The prevailing conclusion from reading all of these emails, is that life is not worth living, and children not worth having, and I believe this. Life is a fatal condition. As much as I adore my two surviving sons and worship my 18 year old son who died in my arms, I wish I’d never had them. I’d rather never known them than have subjected them to the horror that is life, with its travails and vicissitudes and ultimate end. Nor do I believe in god and the ridiculous fantasy of heaven. One piece of advice for the grieving: we all came from somewhere, and we all go somewhere. This is the only truth. Grieve on.
I lost my son 37yrs old, my only child on July 10, 2019. I will never be same and I don’t want to, i want to remember this hurt so that I never forget the love I have for him. The way I see it, my grief is between me and my son. He was born into my arms, no one felt my joy of his birth, the bond in my heart. No one can understand my love, no one can understand my pain for this one beautiful child. It doesn’t matter what people say, do and feel. I loved him first, I’ll love him last
Kevin’s mom forever32
You will never forget your love, it will never change. My fear was always forgetting. It’s like as long as the pain stayed, I felt close to my son. I have found that every memory I have is tucked away and things trigger for me every day. It reinforced the fact I will never forget. While I will always say I feel closest to him in those moments of pain, I have learned to see/feel him in moments of joy too. He is still all around you. There is no love like a mother’s love. Hugs!
We lost our son Chris 20 years old – on 08/04/17 – he was almost 21. He was a 2nd year biomedical student at university and home for the weekend. Chris was a beautiful person in every way and his ambition was to pursue a career in medicine. He went out on Friday evening to go for a swim at the local leisure centre. He went out and came home to me in a wooden box. Chris had fainted in the pool and although there were very few patrons in the pool with 4 lifeguards in attendance – he drowned right before their very eyes. They failed to intervene to go to his aid even when told by someone that Chris was in trouble. I am shocked beyond belief and I feel traumatised and violated – angry that they were inept useless lifeguards who probably through cowardice would not save him. My life is at times intolerable – I trail through it mourning the loss of my son who I loved more than life itself – I cannot even come to terms that I am able to even breathe and have a heartbeat – when my best friend, soulmate and confidante lies in a grave. The best I can now ask for is justice for my poor son who they had the audacity to infer that he had ‘pushed himself too hard’. Drowning is drowning and no one should drown in a lifeguarded council owned pool – which I contribute to the running of by local taxes – the irony of it all. I loved my son Chris from the moment I first saw him and marvelled at how perfect he was. All we can do now is tend his grave everyday – bring him flowers – yellow roses his favourite tee shirt was yellow and say a prayer for him. Rest in peace Chris – I will never forget the love we shared and the good times so cruelly cut short that we shared.
Yeah – a friend of mine tried to make me feel better by telling me I still had one kid. I refrained from ripping his head off – I know he was trying to be helpful – but I HAD two kids… not a kid and a spare.
I know nobody knows what to say – and it is absolutely OK to say “I don’t know what to say”. I had more than one say that… and I always responded that there was really nothing they could say – because it was true.
But if you’re saying something because you think you can make them feel better, you should probably not say it – because it is likely the wrong thing to say.
Dear God I am in so much pain. I know I am still in shock 4 months after losing my 26 year old beautiful, intelligent son. Some times I feel nothing. NOTHING. I want to sit in a corner all alone and stare at the wall. The next moment I can barely breath from the intense pain and disbelief. The memories come of that horrible time and I can’t get them out of my mind. I, too, want the pain as that is what keeps him close to me. I don’t want to think of the future without him. People talk about years down the road. That makes me panic. He and his sister were only 18 months apart and best friends. Never have I known siblings so close. They were both in the same profession and she is beyond struggling. The holidays were so horrible – his birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year too. I don’t think I will ever accept he is gone. I will love my sweet boy until the end of my time.
February 8 2019 we lost my one month old grandson. The pain is unbearable. It’s hard watching my daughter also look lifeless. This has been the hardest thing to go thru! I’m mad I’m hurt I want to scream. The day he was born the doctor didnt tell us cord was wrapped twice around his neck. He was purple when born. The monitor was not on to see if he was in distress. The nurse check and said he right there and told her dont push doctor on way. 20 minutes it took doctor to get there. He would stop breathing when he came home u have to make him breath. 2 week check up pediatrician said it was normal. My daughter had tubes tied after him. She has 2 girls 7 and 5 after his death she wanted tubes reversed the only way we knew of cord around neck was medical records. We wasnt told and no test were given to see if it damaged something in birth canal those 20.minutes till dr came. We were never gave the option to get test run cause no1 told of cord. I blame him the nurse the hospital. I close my eyes I see his tiny face. The pain will never stop. I visit his grave daily i talk to him i read to him. I feel crazy I feel numb I feel so depressed. No1 cares to hear it no1 wants to hear us mention his name. I want to shout his name and tell them I pray u will never feel this pain of a child/ grandchild. I’m walking around empty feeling. I cant understand why I’m here and why god took him. I lived my life why him our only baby boy. Why?
I lost my 18 year old daughter 2.5 years ago . I am broken beyond repair. My soul will never be a peace again. I am having such a difficult time accepting this reality. I feel completely disconnected from others as their lives all more forward. I feel so much anger toward God and others. People just think that I have no choice but to move forward and accept my new life,. People think that time will heal my pain. Thank you for this article. I want people to Just leave me alone and allow me to grieve.
Hi… I lost my son last year one month before his 3rd birthday to medicine… He need a new a bone marrow transplant but I feel like it was my faulfor believing and trusting doctors on how he needed it to be treated ..
I wholeheartedly relate to everyone who has posted about the death of their child or children here. It ‘s the hardest thing we as parents have to face…the worst fear of them all. I lost my only child and my life feels so lonely. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. There will never be another love like him. We try to go on but the pain of missing them can be so overwhelming no matter how long it’s been. We have to go every day without them. There have been times where I have thought about how easy it would be just to take some pills and just drift away so I could be with him. And although I have friends and family who support me, it does not help with missing my son. He is gone and it will never feel right. I hate my new life.
My son David died 💔 in a wreck November 27,2012. He was 18 years, 8 months and 19 days old. It’s easier than at first but there are still difficult days and always will be.
I tell people that me and my husband are on the same trail, but not the same path when it comes to our grief over the loss of our son (2-2-2020). I don’t know how he feels and he doesn’t know how I feel. Each person has their own individual relationship with the person they lost. This is not a competition it is survival at the rawest level.
I’m having a hard time coping these days. My son died when he was almost 9 months old from SIDS and my 15.5 year old daughter just passed away a month ago, she died by suicide. This world is cruel and not a happy place. There’s nothing I’m happy about anymore and my eyes feel bruised from crying so much. I dont know how to go on…right when I thought I was feeling ok with my son being gone my daughter leaves me. I’m just grief stricken and life is a horrific place to live in. This is not living or a good life…I have nothing to look forward to….I’m really just incredibly sad. I’m not motivated or excited to do anything as all my children have died and I’m all alone now.
I have been hurt physically and mentally many times but have never hurt so badly in my life as I have recently. People say things can’t get worse, but I know that things can.
I was so close to my son of 37. He died eleven months ago. No more calls, no more talking classic automobiles as well as a plethora of other topics. I am so lonely for him, and always look for him. I prayed constantly for him to be happy in life, and wonder why God took him so soon and before he could realize his goals. I wonder why God took such a talented young man.
Right now I am working myself to death so I can give myself a respite from crying and thinking about him; it does help. I have my wonderful wife, and we help each other with the grief, but like he was, I am so lonely, and dont think I will get better.
I think that I am like so many other people on this blog in that I if I searched, I would find him.
I am grateful for this vent.
My son died May 29,2020. He had taken a pill someone left in his car and died while listening to the radio in front of our home. His windows were tinted dark and his car is black. I passed by the car many of times not seeing him sitting in the passenger seat. My mind kept saying go check the car, but I just looked through the front window. My son was in the car a day and a half before I decided to open the car door to find him. I touched him and his skin was ruff. He was 26, he was to began a new job on Monday and go to Alaska on June 21 to work on the canary. He would have been gone to Alaska sooner but because of the coronavirus it was delayed. Like a post written earlier, I can’t look at his picture. I woke up at 3 am on the 30th and I wonder is that when he passed? If I would have gone to the car and looked then would it have made a difference. I should have spent more time with him growing up to teach him better values. Instead of working to make sure they had what they needed. I talk to him all the time and he does not speak back. I work in the next room and it is silence where there used to be sounds of him on the video game. I too feel like there is no longer a reason to live. But, I still have a daughter and my mother who need me. But I don’t have the whole me to give or the strength to hold them up. I pass by his room and my heart hurts so bad. I some times go to take a breath and there seems to be no air. How am I expected to live a happy life. I used to love going out side being thankful for the day, that is no longer there. I am ready for this world to end.
It’s been nine weeks. Nine surreal horrific never-ending weeks since I lost my inseparable friend, my son, Ben. He was 27, my only child. I am divorced. It was the two of us against the world for most of his life. And mine too. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I find myself playing the role of “recovering grieving mother” with extended family and friends. Pasting a smile on, pretending I care about daily life when all I really want to do is scream at the universe or God or whoever will listen….. WHY!!!!!?????WTF do you want from me???!?!?! Was it not enough that I couldn’t have more children?! You gave me ONE and then took him away. Why didn’t you just kill ME?!?! Why him?!?! I don’t understand and I never will. Shattered. Broken. A shell. My life with him goes on in my head and everything else around me feels superficial, trivial. I nod, I smile, I shower, I eat, I dress. I pretend to care about life to make others more comfortable. I don’t want to cause anyone suffering. But I’m just waiting for the day God takes me to be with my beautiful son, and looking forward to it very much. Your words freed me to be more honest with myself and others, and more selfish about what I need to get through each coming day. Thank you for that. The pasted on smile is a waste of energy.
Hi – my son about to turn 15 passed away last month. It is unfair. I thought he was indestructible. I can’t imagine not seeing him anymore. I eat but during and after I feel ashamed. I hide and cry many times a day. I long for him. People around, well intentioned though expect me to behave more maturely. Maybe I should but I can’t. I miss him too much. For days I don’t see his pics and then I do. And I wail. Why can’t I be emotional though I am the dad. I love him so much that I just don’t believe this could happen to him. Love you sweetheart, hope to connect with you my boy.
On 30th may 2020 my 24 yrs old son decided to leave this world. He was battling with severe depression. Then he lost his strength to fight. My life shattered. Feeling like I failed the exam of being a mother. And then loads of these advises and messages. I am very angry… the world please leave me alone… let me grieve in my way… please…
Dear son I love you.. miss you all the time.. don’t know what is going to be my next course of action… I wish if you could read my words… love you
I lost my 21 year old son 21 January 2020, its been six moths and I am not coping, I feel lost and my soul feels empty. I never got to see him or say goodbye, he died in a motorbike accident which was horrible and due to a negligent driver. I feel that my life was stolen as well. I do have 3 beautiful daughters and I am trying to keep going for them, but is it enough?
My son passed away 3 yrs this month and everyone tells me how much better I’m doing. I hate that because I’m not …… so lonesome…how can 3 years make a difference when your heart is shattered. Feel as tho I suddenly landed in a foreign land and I dont like it. Im alone, my other son was estranged as was my family.
Our son was knocked down and killed by a speeding taxi whilst crossing the road on a zebra crossing. He was 29. The shock never goes away. I often think I am dreaming and he will reappear. As time passes I am more grateful for the time we had together. On a positive note I no longer worry about the future and acquiring material assets. So many people have been very kind but it is a lonely tiring existence. I do not think ‘why me’ as I know it was a random set of events.
I lost my 33 yr old daughter a year and 1/2 ago to fentanyl. My only child. Her father’s been out of the picture since she was very young. I’m can’t stop crying. All I do is think of her. Still so hard to believe. I’m so depressed. Want to have a conversation with her so bad. I do by myself. I can’t sleep. I get 2 – 4 hours. I try to sleep and think of her and cry cry cry. Lately I think my grief is getting stronger. Sad I can’t go to meetings because of Pandemic.
My daughter died 37 days ago. My grandchild is in foster care. People keep telling me not to cry or even mention either of them. The worst is the lady I rent from. But others too. I spent all my time with them. It hurts enough without being told constantly to shut up… I made mistakes. I can’t even show how sorry I am. Never got to say goodbye….. thank you for your patience.
My first born son died before his 38th birthday this yr suddenly. My life has changed dramatically. I’ve lost friends who disappointed me. People I thought cared, I feel I wasted my time on. Time I could have spent with my son. Most of my family has kept their distance even through the telephone. Nobody seems to understand or know how it feels for me and my surviving members of my household. Life goes on for the living in ways I no longer understand or relate to as important. My grief continues in a world I no longer have joy in anything. Some of the people chose to ignore me, have no respect for the loss of my son. I can’t tell you how many times people have said they know how I feel when referring to the loss of an elderly parent . The loss of a child is not the same.. I also lost my husband 12 yrs. ago. I managed to survive that in much needed time even though I thought I never would. My son’s life got cut short abruptly. No more time together. I don’t understand . My heart is broken. I believe in Christ but am confused on how this could happen. My little family cannot take anymore loss. It feels as though he was supposed to still be here longer.
My son 26 year old son died 10 days ago in a car accident.He was driving home from work and was hit by a 18 yr old girl who wasn’t paying attention. I’m so angry ,he did nothing wrong,just driving home from work. I’m just trying to deal with all these mixed emotions. I go from sad to kissed in seconds.
My 26 yo son died the same day as your 26 yo son. I pray that we are both ok one day. I pray that we will see them and they will know who we are when we die. I pray.
My daughter was married on Sept. 18 to a wonderful man. On Oct 2 he died of an aortic dissection. She was married 2 weeks to the day. They were together for 7 years so I feel like he was my son-in-law for a long time. My daughter is now a widow at 31. I hope that I am doing and saying the right things to help her through this devistating time. I am having trouble handling my grief also. The anger and sadness are overwhelming sometimes. It has shaken my faith in God. What is the purpose of taking a good person like my son-in-law away from us so young. My daughter has had to endure 30 surgeries in her life. She was so happy and now has to endure this terrible loss.
I lost my son on 9/16/20 he was 33yrs old to a car accident he was the middle child of 2 sisters I’m devastated he lived with me After moving from NY to Fl we both hated the cold and love the warmth weather and after 3 yrs of settling down having a beautiful home a good job and just enjoying life my life ended the morning I saw 2 sheriffs standing at my door with a brown envelope I’ll go to my grave with that memory it’s been 5 weeks now I’m living in this nightmare I don’t want to hear god knows best and he is in a better place he was only 33 yrs old worked hard and even went back to school after going through a bad relationship and what i saw the struggles cause I was there for him cause that’s what mothers do he was a good son/brother/uncle/friend don’t know how I’ll live through this I’ve my 2 daughters and 2 granddaughters but I’m broken to pieces I just want to know why the god above took him away from us I know I’ve to get professional help can’t eat or sleep and I know my daughters are devastated cause we was a very close family spend every time that we could with each other don’t know what I’ll do with my life where to begin living without him sometimes I’m angry the pain I’m in I cannot describe it I just want to go to sleep and never wake up to this darkness my son Yannick was such a loving and respectable person to everyone that met him and it is hard for me to accept that he is gone forever❤️
What a sad heartfelt site..I shall continue to read on..I lost my son Gary a year ago.He was 44 and had struggled with addiction and rehab also..I did all I could for him..loved listened helped scolded…He lived with myself and his brothers an sister for the two years prior…. But it was Me who tackled everything..
It was not his addiction that he died from, But MURDER..A court case followed and murderer walked free… Yes I’m torn to pieces with pain anger sadness longing and despair…..It has broken my family.. We suffer alone.. My poor son..Nobody helped .. Bless you all in this body wracking ILLNESS called grief..Jan
Hi Emily ..x I have just joined and left a comment .Not sure if it has been recieved/ accepted .
Or even if I’m subscribed..Thanking all for your sad writings..Im also one year into the DEVASTATING /DEBILITATING pain called GRIEF…After losing my second eldest son to Murder.. Every single day I go over and over the dreaded news.And sinking fearful loss Anger and despair.. ..It’s wrecked us as a family ,three sons and one daughter left to feel the bitter sadness.. All I think of daily is, My SON Gary… MY BOY..
I lost my son 4/26/18 at the age of 38. He was in the Army and out of the Country on special assignment. I’ve learned is that grief is such a personal journey, no one can tell you how to feel. I try to be cordial and kind to my friends and family that really doesn’t know what to say, they are sincerely sorry that I’ve lost a child. Being angry only hurts myself and the burden of carrying around all that negativity only hurts my heart more. After seeking help I learned a whole lot more about life and it’s not fair, so be it, deal with it & moved on. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him and I still have my daily moments. This is something I know I will never get over I just have to live with it. The first year was the hardest, I was numb, air head, cry baby and I had other issues going on that dealt with his death. Luckily for me I have a wonderful husband that supported me so when he retired, we moved (3600 miles) clear across the US to be closer to my Grandson who lost his Daddy. We’ve been in our new home for a over year, I have no regrets and I think it’s because my son would be happy that I was here and a part of his sons life. This was pretty drastic but it was what I needed to do on my journey💚
Our beautiful bright friendly only son was shot down like a dog at 7:30 am as he was walking in his neighborhood. Senseless and violent. The killer is still out there. His wife, daughter, sister and we, his parents are beyond sick. This happened Oct. 6, 2020. Still very new and sooooooooo painful. Any word of advice would be appreciated.
Thank you addressing the anger. My son of 40 left me 4 weeks ago. It was rather sudden, I thank God I had a few days to say goodbye and to tell him how much I love him. A close friend who calls and cries to me, asks what I consider intrusive questions, instead of letting me talk has made me very angry. I know she is trying but I have decided to tell her I am not taking calls for a while. My husband of 4 years that barely knew my son is making me angry with what I interpret as aloofness regarding my situation. He wants our life to return to the routine he likes. I have to come up with the words to tell him I will never be the same, I plan on honoring my son by being a better person, but it will never be the same. Returning to the same routine would feel like pretending nothing has happened. I am determined not to let anyone force to me behave as if nothing has happened.
I lost my 18 year old son from a car accident in Sep. It was supposed to be a night of fun with him spending time with his friends. All his friends had serious injuries but everyone except my son survived. My only child was gone and he died by himself in a foreign hospital. Identifying his broken body is the most horrific event in my life and I’m in the military that was deployed in Iraq. I hold on tight to the memory of telling him I loved him before he left. I feel so broken and I have so much pain from the loss. I don’t know how to even look forward to the future since my life was always for him. I’m glad I found this blog to read, I’ve felt so isolated with my grief and pain.
Hi my name is camy.. I lost my 10 year old son on nov 9, 2020. He was sweetest boy, very bright. Best at basketball, very quite. He shared everything with me. Two days before he passed, he started vomiting. I took him to hospital emergency. They said it’s just a virus and will go away. On nov 8th he was still vomiting and he couldn’t sleep whole night and in the 5 am morning his eyes were wide open. We called 911 they took him to hospital and tried for 2 to 3 hours but they couldn’t save him. I lost my life, feels like my life is over. I am broken into pieces, cry everyday. Don’t know what to do with my life now. Only surviving because of my younger son.
I lost my son David on August 14, 2020. He was 33 and the Rabbi who spoke at his funeral said 33 in Jewish Kabbalism meant his work was completed on Earth.
David was in recovery for ten years and in the business of helping people get into treatment. Just like the cobbler’s kids who had no shoes he needed to be back into treatment. I spoke to him the night before he died and he seemed fine. He hid his despair very well. He was broke because of spending money on drugs and supporting a girlfriend who had agoraphobia. If I had any idea he was using we could have gotten him into treatment. I blame myself for not knowing. He bought a bag of heroin that was fentanyl from China. He died instantly and did not suffer. This was a blessing.
David was the kindest, funniest and most giving person I ever knew. He was my hero. We had a funeral in NJ . We maxed out the funeral home’s room capacity given covid restrictions. A month later a second service was held in Florida and 80 people showed up, including many who barely knew him but he had helped.
The shock is over but the reality of never speaking, holding or seeing him again is setting in. The loss is awful. One of the worst thing that people do is not say anything when you tell them about your loss, it is so cold.
According to Jewish law it takes up to 11 months for my Son’s soul to get to heaven. Maybe the grief will be better by then? I really hope so…
I lost my daughter at the beginning of July. It was unexpected and completely out of the blue. I was texting with her one minute and then she was not replying. She was a busy bee so I wasn’t concerned, until her husband called me and said “You need to get over to the house, right away!” And hung up.
Police were there. Sheriffs and coroners. Neighbors sobbing. Her boarder was blank-eyed and had a huge “O” mouth. Big eyes. My daughter was gone.
I appreciated/appreciate every word that people said, wrote, sang, and sobbed, even if it wasn’t perfect. People try very hard to let you know they’re thinking of you, missing their friend/sister and bestow love in your time of grief. It wasn’t just about me and MY grief. It was about the loss of Heather and all the ones who loved, and/or appreciated her, leaning on each other in our shock ad grief. Mutual love for a good woman.
On 16 October 2020, we lost our 18 years old son, ANUVRAT SHARMA, for no reason at all. He was attending his online classes.
Doctors say he passed away due to sudden cardiac arrest. He had no history of any heart ailment.
It’s very tough for me and my wife.
It seems that there is no purpose in life and the emptiness, vaccume due to his death is the hardest thing to overcome.
HARI B S
I lost my daughter on Monday 12/7/2020. She was 30 and left 2 small children that my husband and I be raising. I’m heart broken! Will I ever recover from this?
Yes, you can. I do offer resources to support bereaved parents. You can view them at http://www.afterchildloss.com/resources
I lost my son Alexander on January 30th 2020. I am so lost without him. I feel like a shell. I don’t know how to keep going I just have to for my little girl. He was such a wonderful boy. He was none years old.
On October 6, 2020, my 20 year old daughter, her best friend and another one of their friends were killed in a tragic car crash. The driver survived. My daughter was in her 3rd year of college. With COVID 19 she was taking online classes. She was loved my so many. I lived for her and my 9 year old son. Everyday I was so worried about her because life is unpredictable. The fear of losing one of my children had come to be a real life nightmare. Everyday i would check on her throughout the day just to make sure she was okay. I was very protective over her praying that god protected her during her daily routines in life. I would be so concerned about her well being but she would reassure me that she was fine and I was overreacting. She said to me that life was short so she wanted to enjoy and live her life to fullest. When it would become late, I would always call or text her to remind her that it was becoming late and that she should be making her way in the house. She would complain that I was so over protective so the evening before the crash I said to myself, I am going to let her show me that she is responsible and let her come in the house on her own. I went to sleep that night and was awaken by a phone call from her friend. The phone wrong once and hung up. I immediately ran to my Daughter’s bedroom to see if she was in there, she was not. I called her friend back and that’s when I was advised that my daughter was in a bad car accident. The friend advised me where the crash took place so my husband, 9 year old son and I rushed out the house in a panic. On my way I called the nearest hospital and gave my Daughters name. I was advised that they had not received anyone by her name. Upon getting to the crash site I was informed that my Daughger, her best friend and their other friend died on the scene however, the driver survived. My entire world came tumbling down on me. I have been so depressed and not in the mood to do anything but lay in bed. No motivation to do anything at all. Trying to push through for the sake of my son and husband but it has been extremely hard to live life without me Daughger. Any suggestions from those that have lost a child would be greatly appreciated.
To all of the above parents who have lost a child, I now truly know how that feels. My son was 51 and died on 1st December 2020. I was lucky to be able to be with him, but I cannot get out of my head the tubes and stuff coming out of him everywhere! He had suffered a liver malfunction which caused total organ failure and involved dialysis. He could not breathe for himself either so had to be ventilated. He was heavily sedated and under medication but on Tuesday 1st December the Doctors said they could not do any more and advised to stop medication and let nature take it’s course. He went to A & E on Sunday and was put into ICU as he was bringing up blood and lost 70% of his blood before they managed to get in under control. The next few hours were spent watching the heart monitor, and it seemed he was fighting all the time Two hours after the medication was withdrawn his poor heart stopped. To describe the pain is something all of you will understand, as I feel that my life force has been knocked out of me and will never see the world in the same light. As 2020 has been an awful year for meeting up with family, I only saw him once after last Christmas, which was end of September. He called me every day though, and I so miss those calls and still think he is going to call. At the moment I am in a dream state and denial. Cannot concentrate on anything, cannot look at his photo and really weary. I have cried so much it is becoming unbearable, and I resist the grief and pretend it hasn’t happened. I cannot talk about it without crying, but find that writing about the extreme shock and subsequent feeling of helplessness is something I can do. I see and hear him everywhere, and I have lost, lost, lost a caring son who I once held in my arms as a baby. How can you get over this? The pain is physical and mental.
My 23 year old son killed himself with a lethal injection of fentanyl, he was a wonderful person, student, martial artist, writer and probably my last guitar student. We were just ramping up for a life of jiujitsu and jazz, it was going to be amazing…
My anger and bitterness is always in my mouth, i don’t know how to stop being hateful and resentful at him for throwing his life away. I’m a shadow of the person i used to be. I even became suicidal which was a first for me. No hope or meaning. Out of respect for life I still train daily and practice my art but it’s hollow and private. I don’t believe in supernatural things like gods and i feel there is no justice in the world. When people talk to me about faith and healing i feel like vomiting. I encounter him in my dreams mostly, i can’t bear to look at his pictures.
Thank you for this amazing site of profound testimonials and your loss sucks!
Almost a year ago, January 18 th 2020 my 36 year old son was heading to Texas for work and had a car accident in Georgia he was killed instantly, blunt force trauma they said. I’ll never for get the phone call or driving there to bring him home. The pain is unbelievable, my other son is 31 and the pain he has gone through. I feel like that pain is never going to go away, We miss him so much. I am so sorry for all of you who have lost your children,. Sending Love and Light for you to have peace. When does that pain ever go away?
I lost my youngest son at 22 he committed suicide at UW Madison. He lost his girl, increased his drug use, and lost his girlfriend. He wrote a letter to UW describing his issues, the school did not share the letter with me.
My oldest some was a beautiful boy, but wa
A 10 year drug attic. He died in 2014.
Both in upper 10% of class.
Hello and Evening.
I found you blog, when I typed in “Why am I still alive, when my son died”. He is my oldest son. He was 26. He died suddenly on October 7, it is now January 18th and I still hate life. Nothing feels the same. I hate waking up in the morning because I feel that empty spot in my heart. I know God has a plan, I know it is his will. I am not mad at God. I feel like it is my fault. My son lived in Texas and many years ago asked if him and his girlfriend could come stay at the house. I told him that he is more than welcome, but after 2 different girlfriends who screwed him over, I was not ready for her to come live in the house. He stayed in Texas. He got hurt in the Army and was medically discharged for injuries to his neck and shoulder. I don’t know how he died yet and I don’t know if it matters, I still feel at fault and guilty. My wife, his mom died from heart problems when he was 10. I feel he is with her now and that does make me feel better. He is with her, she can take care of him better than I did. My heart feels empty, without any joy or life except when I am at school teaching. I work with middle school students and they keep me busy from 8 till 3:30. That is the only (most of the time) time my heart is not empty. I have a second son, who is younger and all he wants to do is smoke pot and drink. No job, no initiative, nothing. I feel he will either be in jail or worse. I am just tired, empty, and going through the motions in life. Someone else posted what I have been thinking: “Don’t know what do do with my life. Only surviving because of my younger son.” But even with him here, It doesn’t matter. It has been a hard year, my son, my dad, an uncle and an aunt (none of them from the virus). SO – my original questions eats at me. Why am I still alive?
My son died last week of COVID. He was 32. Big strong 6ft 5 in. man, my little boy. He had come home from working the night shift. Had taken a small nap. He was talking with his room mate when he stood up and passed out. He had a seizure from a hypoxic event and he died. His friend started CPR. He was coded for 90 minutes and they could not bring him back he died in an ER in LA. 8 hours from me. I miss him so much. A hole has been blasted in my heart. He had struggled with alcohol and drugs. One year clean, working 2 jobs to save money in order to get custody of his beautiful boys 6 and 15 months. He was doing what we had all told him he had to do. WTF.
Now I sit here in the dark reading yours stories of pain. I am a physician assistant and have a full practice and I love what I do. I am scared I will be unable to listen to their day to day problems. I comfort and do a lot of hand holding and hugging of my emotionally troubled patients. How do I do that now. I feel it will be impossible to sit on my stool and listen to their issues when mine is burning a hole through my heart.
I treat patients in a rural community if I don’t go back to work they will have to do without medical care. I know in my brain what I need to do but my heart is dragging me in another direction. So for now I just sit in the dark missing my son.
As long as we do no harm to ourselves or others, however we work through the struggle is ok. It’s been nearly 16 years since my son died. It’s never easy, but it does get easier. I try to let him know every day that I love him. That’s all we can do.
I lost my son Tom, he was 5 and had cancer. It was 16 years ago and here I am googling ‘When your son dies’. My heart is broken.
My son Isaac committed suicide 1/1/21, this has been devastating to all of us. We found him in our home 1/2/21 where he had been gone for 12 hours. He used helium and an exit bag. I just can’t understand it or believe this has happened. I feel so much guilt, remorse and to some degree feel responsible. He came to me for help 12/3/20 letting me know he was addicted to drugs particularly coming off a cocaine binge. He was doing the best he could to stay sober but he was drinking. I got him information on rehab and numbers to call but he wouldn’t. We then got Covid shortly after and I was terribly ill and in isolation. He was also in isolation and that’s when things became darker for him. Christmas Day I noticed he had become more and withdrawn and disinterested in things I tried to reach out to him and he was angry and pushed me away. He became distant from his brother as well. My son loved to skate board so that is the only thing he did that helped him feel free. He came to say goodnight on 1/1/21 at 10:30. By 11:45 he had already left this world. I was sleeping but my son believes he heard something at that time coming from my Isaac’s room but nothing else. Coroner confirmed it was 12 hours since he passed when I found him.
It haunts me it pains me and prayer and seeking Gods word has helped me live day by day. I don’t understand any of it and I long to hold my son, smell him see him watch him skate again. How do I move on? I have another son he’s 15 and I know I have to stay strong for him it’s been so challenging.
Thank you for this outlet and for support
I am so empty! I lost my 30 year old daughter to a od. She left 2 small children. She was a single mom. My grandchildren have no mother or father. My heart is broken. She passed on 12/7/2020. Is there a way we can share email addresses to help support each other? My heart breaks for everyone that has lost a child! My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
A poem for my son:
YOU MAKE ME PROUD TO BE YOUR MOTHER!! I FEEL LIKE IM DRIVING IN THE DARK AND DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM GOING THE PAIN THE SADNESS THE EMPTINESS THE QUESTIONS UNANSWERED THE LOVE THE SORROW THE HATE THE MADNESS THE LONELINESS IN MY HEART THE DEEP BREATHS THAT I CAN’T TAKE THE BURN IN MY HEART The prodigal son that came home who is now gone a piece of my heart a piece of my soul a piece of my existence a peace of my life a piece of air that I breathe I will never hear your voice again I will never see your beautiful face again I will never get to hold your children I will never see you wait for your bride I will never ever love anyone like I love you You came after a great loss and brought us all so much joy my son my love my king my baby my sunlight AND NOW MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL! Being YOUR mother is a BLESSING AND I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU. YOU WILL BE THE REASON OF MY SUCCESS… TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF BEING MY SON! LOVE YOU ALWAYS, MOMMY
My beautiful 24 year old Navy Sonshine passed away 2-13-21 and I miss him so much already 🙏🏾🥺💔
Very sad moments
No one understands unless they have been through it
My son was so quiet, kind, and married with a 3yr old son and doing so well. And only 31 years old
But on the 23rd of January 2021 he had a road traffic accident and died instantly
How can I get over it when I even saw him the day before? We were very close!
I pray to God for strength daily
And loved ones also pray with me and for my other children , his wife and son.
It is still so fresh and miss him so much.
I can not keep talking.
The pain is shocking and overwhelming
Very painful, sad and angry times.
God is keeping me and family daily
I still trust in Him fully to restore our
hearts and souls
My son, my only child left this earth suddenly 9 months ago. He had a fatal seizure at home in the early hours. He died in my arms. I watched him take his last breath of life. Paramedics worked on him for over an hour and he never regained a pulse. He passed away 4 days before his 19th birthday. My son had autism and a lot of medical issues. He was a beautiful soul with a loving heart who just wanted people to be kind to one another. His gifts are now my treasures. He is with my every breath, every day, every week, every minute. I feel him always. Yes, I too feel like I am floating around. I feel heavy weight on me in bed where I don’t want to get out to do anything. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t fight with it. I just have to let my days speak for themselves. I get mad. I get really really sad. I get weak in my body and in my soul. It is real. It does really suck. I’d be lying if I never admitted that. Yet some days, I wake up and smile at his photo and he says “Mom get up. Mom you can do it. Move. I love you” . I smile and I do get up smiling some days. You know I have to say I no longer afraid of death and that’s a good thing. I don’t feel guilty about my feelings. I know it’s hard for others to approach me but I had almost a year without hugs during this Covid and damn it, when we safely can, I want people to know that I really really want a hug. I really do. It may seem small in all this but my son was the best damn hugger out there and look out world, cause I’m gonna be on a hug mission. That’s what he would have wanted and that’s what I’m going to do. That’s all I know for now. My baby is gone and we are not on this earth for very long. So why don’t we just embrace as loving human beings. After all, along with Covid, I no longer really care about material things anymore, I take absolutely nothing for granted, and I refuse to be around people who don’t get it or want to waste my time. Also if I want to be in my PJs all day and night so be it! Shit happens in life to all of us. It’s not about being strong. It’s not about ego or pride. It’s all about love. If there’s one thing I think everyone here can agree on – We loved our children and they loved us. And our special love is very alive. That’s all that matters and nothing else. I’m crying as I write this. I feel so much for all of you that have lost. There is so much pain yet we are not alone. We are all feeling the same emptiness. There are no answers no rules with loss. This is in some form our own therapy to express and share. It’s like a wave feeling in and out. I’m sure others feel the same as me. Now I’ll kiss my son and try to sleep. Hugs sent to all of you.
I lost my 18 year old son two days ago and i dont want to live without him…
My son died Feb 20, 2021. Its been a month and a day. I dont get dressed, I don’t cook, I don’t sleep. My husband is not Jeffs father so he doesn’t understand the depths of my grief. I have no one to share my grief. Jeff never married, nor had children. My parents and siblings are gone. Jeff had a long time partner but that ended a few yearago. There are his many friends that tell me how great he was, but no one that grieves his loss like I do. I wish God would take
me so I could see my sweet son again
I lost my son 1/3/2020 he was suffering from PTSD. He was in Afghanistan when he was deployed he left for there as one person and he came back so changed.
I have missed him for a long time before he took his life on January 3, 2020. The trauma he went through was too much for him to stay here. I know he suffered a long time because he loved his family but he couldn’t do it anymore.
Thank a soldier when you see them put your hand over your heart for the flag strangers have died for you respect them. I have a go fund me page it is called Daniel Allen Evans PTSD Fund it is my way of giving back to the soldiers thank you fof taking the time to look at it pray for it and or support it by making donations. Thank you for listening
Lost my 21 year old son in a car accident on 4/21/2020 🙁
I go to sleep and wake up thinking about him every single day. I cry on the way to work and on the way home. I keep reliving everything that happened that day. I keep telling myself every day that i have to keep going and to cherish every minute of every day. I have two other children and i cling to them without them knowing i am. Prayers to all who have to go threw this life without a child.
Life is not fair. I like all of you, lost my beautiful, gifted and genius son, August of 2020. He suffered with depression but, we thought we had got him over the hump. He was going into his Sophomore year at SAIC on a full tuition scholarship. We had just moved him back into the dorms downtown. Four days later he died by suicide in his dorm room. I begged God to take me instead. My son, Noah was and is my everything. My life is shattered. I have no joy. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have a 9 year old daughter and try my best to want to live for her but, it is extremely difficult. Not sure if I’m going to make it.
I lost my daughter at the age of 27, at the hands of her narcissistic ex bf. He will never be charged with her murder and I am so broken.
Greets to all… Well I am barely through 48hours after my son passed away in my arms after fighting cancer for a little over 2 years… His mother became very uninterested after she stopped breast feeding at 8 months and since then we formed a bond Im sure every father would want with their son… Even though she was there she might aswell not have been… 2019 he got diagnosed with RMS and Feb 2020 his mother completely gave up on us after cheating for some time which only got told to me some time after… So this entire battle we endured it was only me and him,and occasionally after lots of fighting for her to stop her nonsense and help be here for our child she would pitch up once a blue moon… So I took on both roles best I could and I was at his side all the time(lost job due the responsibility I had to take and stay at the hospital with him, and through it all I was there… Obviously left to go buy supplies as it was needed but other than that I was at his side… And now 16 April 2021 he passed away after the long battle he kept fighting as hard as his little 3year old body possibly could…. After all we went through with his mom and her lazyness I had to hear my innocent two year old stun of a boy has cancer a disease I feel nobody deserves to get, now this gorgeous jewel I am helping to shape into the inconceivably good persoon he was destined to be has a disease with a very scary enough mortality rate and a good enough chance of survival aswell… His treatment went very good in the beginning, actually astonishing the doctors by the rate it had shrunk… And then his mom left and the battle got alot more difficult and the results of treatment started to come out as non effective, he underwent 2 sessions of chemo one small and the second one they gave larger session with the cruelest chemo his little body was capable of handling and after received 28 days of radiation with complications and it kept us in the hospital for two months Un end through out the festive season which destroyed me having me and him forced to celebrate Christmas in there without any outside family visits being allowed… The mere fact that my little guy had to suffer the way he did was where I started griefing and still hate reality purely for that and now yesterday my little super hero passed away… I know his pain and suffering is no longer, but it wasn’t supposed to be in the first place and then after giving our all I have to face this… I read everything everyone advised and I can’t get myself to see how I can someday experience joy if my joy was just taken from me
I’m a father without a son. He died 4 months ago at 18 month old. He never walked. A stupid disease took him from us. I’m bitter. I find myself full of hate for nothing. I feel guilt for not giving him things like chocolate and cotton candy. He missed out on so much life. I retired from the Coast Guard to be able to spend more time with him. He left us 2 month later. We thought we had a few years with him. His 2nd birthday is almost here. I spent 20+ years saving strangers, and when it came to my son, I couldn’t do anything to keep him here. I feel cheated.
I lost my son March 8th 2021. He was 21. He had an enlarged heart. He passed suddenly, alone in a chair late that night. I cry every day. Yes the hole it leaves is immense and unbearable. We didn’t know he had this condition. He lived like a 21 year old. So smart, beautiful and talented. He left behind recordings of songs he wrote and podcasts which help when I need to hear him, feel him. Does it get better? No. But I’m managing my grief the best I can. Yes this is a very lonely time. The people you thought that would support you don’t but the people I thought that wouldn’t do. His influence on me is to be a better person, to be more like him….he had a good loving heart. I’ve learned alot about him, myself and others through my grief. I try to only remember the best of him. The close relationship we had. The laughs, the joy, the love. I miss him so much and my only wish in life is to have him back and call me “Ma”. But that wish won’t ever come true. I talk to him, all the time. Out loud or in my head. I still don’t want to believe he’s gone. I’m thankful my last words to him were “I love you”. Having no clue that those would be the last.
Jameson was almost 3 when his mom and I separated. We were together for 6 years and the last years we just started drifting apart until she met someone else while at work. After about a month towards the end of March 2020 she was ready and excited to start her new chapter with her new prince charming and they got an apt together and she moved out of our house. Around April 20 2020 through May Jameson began having seizures. Thinking that maybe her epilepsy got passed down to him we began taking him to a neurologist. May 31 2020 I was waiting for jameson to be dropped off at my house by his mom and I feel asleep waiting on them to show up. A couple hours later I woke up with several missed calls and texts saying that jameson had a bad seizure and after needing to be resuscitated was taken by ambulance to the hospital. As soon as I heard the message they had already been at the hospital for an hour. I got there and was directed into a waiting room where jamesons mom, the new boyfriend and his grandma were waiting we all sat there for about 45 min. That was the first time I had seen her new man. He was a lot younger than me and Graci by 8 years just turned 21. Finally the doctors came in with a couple of county sheriff’s and told us that jameson is in bad shape and needed to be life flighted to Kansas City no. Before we could start our 2 hour drive to meet jameson a in Kansas City we had to stop at the police dept and fill statements because of jameson being a toddler and the nature of his injuries. They seperated the three of us into rooms and asked us questions and took our phones as part of there investigation. I finished my statement and was waiting for them to finish up when Graci calls my cellphone hysterical saying that the police had found 4 videos on her boyfriends phone of him waking up Jameson in the middle of the night taking him out of his crib brining him downstairs in their apt setting him up on the kitchen counter where he recorded himself taunting Jameson and performing torturous acts that would’ve made a grown man drop to his knees. After he openly confessed they took him into custody right then and there. On June 2 2020 my buddy boy was taken off the ventilator and pronounced deceased. It’s been almost a year now and my mind is still in such a state of shock that it still really hasnt git me yet. There’s not a second goes by that im not thinking of him. The pain is something that most ppl won’t and can’t understand or fathom. It’s something unfathomable on a level that can never be touched by anything else. The only way to understand it is through a person’s own personal experience. A bereaved parents loss is unique to the individual and incomparable to another ones loss but I think we all share one thing in common. Our children gave all of us the gift of knowing true unconditional love and just like we now know unthinkable pain and grief we also know how invaluable our love can be and how precious our time is in our life. Mustering up the courage everyday to continue on with out our kids makes bereaved parents such a special elite group of individuals whose strength and love can’t be matched. Jameson, I love you buddy boyalways and forever.
Google- “Jameson Long Joplin MO”
I lost my 24 year old son in a motorcycle accident 12 days ago. It was his fault… he ran a red light… He was a soldier and survived deployments only to die in our town… alone.
Since that call at 1:54am… my life has changed… I don’t know how to handle any of it… Im lost… and I don’t care about a single thing…. just frozen
I too have lost my 40 year old son on possibly Thanksgiving of 2019. He was taking care of his father who had early dementia in Florida. Unfortunately my son passed away first in the condo from a heart attack. Nobody would enter the facility. I asked condo association and they would not go in. His father also died from dehydration because of sight loss. Maybe two or three days later. Our hearts are broken because at least one of them could have been saved. Omg. Do you see what is wrong with these stupid laws?
People die because of your negligence that should not happen
My 23 year old son was a healthy, strong, athlete who worked out every day. He was a vegetarian, who read everything he ate. He was a college student on a full basketball scholarship, finishing up his senior year remotely from home due to his college being closed for Covid. He had just told me the week before he got an offer to play professional basketball overseas and was so excited, we were taking the steps towards his dream. He was a funny kid. Very popular, had an amazing girlfriend. Loved and respected by all walks of life. He was always laughing, joking, dancing, singing, just a carefree happy young man.
We were all home (my husband, our sons) on Sunday, November 29, 2020. My 23 year old was home all day doing homework. I made him one of his favorite meals and brought it to his desk while he worked. He then asked me to make him (5) cinnamon rolls afterwards. I laughed and told him he could not eat that many and he promised he could. So I made and served them to him, he called me the G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time) as he looked at the plate, I laughed and kissed the top of his head and went to my room, after having a fun family day. Later that night, the house was quiet and everyone was finally in their beds.
I woke up the next morning to my husband leaving for work. I got up to get ready for work, doing my morning routine….making breakfast for the kids and the dog, packing my lunch, etc, etc. (I noticed there were 2 cinnamon rolls left on the plate), so I yelled for him to hear, I TOLD YOU, YOU COULDN’T EAT ALL 5!!! Every time I walked past my son’s room, I could clearly see him in his bed, which was odd because he usually runs out around 6:30 am to go workout. This time he stayed asleep. So, I continued on with my daily morning routine. My younger son had his virtual class about to start and went into his room to get a book. He asked me why does his brother’s mouth look like that? I said look like what?, and went to check on my son. I looked at him and he looked a little weird. I called out his name, he didn’t answer. I YELLED his name, no answer. I touched his face and he was ice cold and hard. I screamed, “GOD NO!!!!” My baby was gone! Just like that!
My son called his father to come back home while I called 911. They were there in minutes and pronounced my son dead while he laid, looking asleep in his bed. After all the chaos of finding him and family now at my house, my son still laid in his bed. The officers left and told me I’d have to wait for the medical examiners to come and take him for an autopsy. I laid their with my son, in tears, stroking his cold face and telling him how proud I was to be his mother and what a wonderful son he was. The medical examiners finally came and we had to watch them take our beautiful son out of his home in a body bag. Worse, most heart wrenching thing I have ever seen! The autopsy finally came back after a few months of testing and the cause of death was…Natural Causes! They said we checked your son from head to toe…he was healthy, his heart was strong and the right size, the right thickness, they checked everything, toxicology, etc. A healthy young man went to sleep and didn’t wake up. So full of life, so happy, big dreams ahead. I just don’t understand how that happens.
I was always the one people gravitate to. I joke, laugh, give good advice. People are comfortable talking to me about personal things because I am trusting and a people person, etc. Now, I am sad, mad, angry. My son’s death has broken my spirit. It has changed me. I am not the same person I was. I am short with people and caught up in my own grief. I just don’t have patience anymore. I miss my son every day. I am tired of hearing my friends telling me to breath, when I cry or God wanted him more! I feel so vulnerable from the strong woman I used to be. I can cry at any moment. People, relatives and co-workers don’t know how to act or what to say. I feel like I make everyone uncomfortable now. They look at me with that pity and sadness in their eyes. I hate it!!!
I lost my 17 year old son in Dec 2020. He passed in my arms. I tried to revive him but was unsuccessful. I still cannot function. I see a therapist every week but I’m so lost. I do pray, I do have faith but I have many questions for God that remain unanswered. I am looking for a support group which is how I came across this blog.
How have other mothers moved forward? I have not returned to work. Some days I have to take it hour by hour.
My handsome and extremely smart boy, who was only 21 years old, died on 04/08/21…the saddest day of my life! He was having hallucinations ( toxicology report still to come) and he jumped his bedroom window, unfortunately landing on concrete from our three story home. I saw him jumping to my shock, because I did not believe that he was capable… I am very angry at myself for not protecting him…but I do believe that he was in pain and he saw that window as his escape. The pain will never go away and there are no words… I get annoyed when people who have kids, come to me and say that it will pass… they live in a different world now. I was able to relate to many stories here and feel everyone’s pain. I do still have my faith and I firmly believe that God is love and that he did rescued my baby from this world full of pain…
I pray every day and it does help sometimes. I ask him to maybe one day come to my dreams, so that I can hug him one more time and tell him that I love him forever… I do believe that one day he will visit me in my dreams.
I do hope that every parent here find a way to get some comfort. ..God bless you all
I am sad my son took his life July 15th 2020 . What?? He was my firstborn love of my life my child I will never be the same. I too have three other children that can’t fill my void but also thank GOD they are there…Still it will never fill my broken heart.
My hole in my heart will never heal and why this life? I never knew it could be this way or so full of pain to live. I didnt know Earth was like this I miss my child every day and sadness fills my body and then I just have to keep on going.
I wish he knew how much I miss him an love him and I would have done anything for him. Id like to bargain with GOD to give him back..Its so crazy to actually think that and wish that all the time..Like God just give him back and I will do this and this and this.
Malachi Miss you Forever, your mom.
My son died !and I’m afraid to talk about him because I feel I will lose it. It’s been 7 months he died Oct 26th 2020 .I love and miss him so much I feel like I’m going to explode..
I lost my son March 31 2021. He was my first born the one that made me a mom. I tried for a year to have him. Finally with fertility drugs I had my baby. He was shot and kill by a friend in the back seat of a car 3 miles from my house. He had juat turned 18 in January and was a senior in high school. His graduation is Friday and my two younger children are walking across stage to receive his diploma. Im so bitter. The cops still think it was an accident. My son would not go get a water bottle so he shot him. How is that an accident. Of course we got a lawyer for a civil case but the truth is nothing will bring back my son. The boy will be lucky to get 6 months in jail for involuntary manslaughter. My 11 year old and 13 year old are falling apart. They are currently in grief counseling but its tough because they really don’t want to go. My husband is a shell like he’s going to crumble and break at any second. I just feel like I don’t want to live but I have to for my other two children and my husband. I juat want my son back. I don’t understand what we did wrong to have this happen to our family. It just seems like we are being punished(people always saying this happened for a reason) sometimes I just feel like its a sick joke like gods sick joke. A baby my sons age was left in a park to die at 4 days old. My mom saw it on the news as she was folding my laundry and I was nursing Austin. I remember thinking someone had to of stolen that baby(It was actually a teenage mother). But in my mind it had to be that someone stole the baby or something no mom would do that. Anyways I prayed to God to never let anything happen on my watch because I would not be able to live with myself. I was and currently am a stay at home mom. So, I was and still am overly protective. So the second my son turns 18 and technically not my watch in the since that he was legally an adult he gets killed. What type of sick joke it that. Like I answered your prayers he want technically an adult. ….it just makes me sick like I said the wrong prayer. At 4 days old my biggest fear was someone would kidnapp him, he’d run in the road at 2, he could choke on something, die of sids. I didn’t want to fail. But he was still a “kid”. He was in high school. He was about to start his life. College, a job, and we were buying him a new car. I feel like I failed to protect him. I wish I would have had a reason to keep him home that night. But I didn’t. His grades were good, he didn’t have school the next day. He even made plans to spend the day at home the next day playing horse with his brother and watching the new godzilla movie with us as a family that night. He never got the chance to. I didn’t even get the chance to say I love you before he left because my daughter and I were out getting dinner and we didn’t know he was going out. He just said dad im going to hang with friends ill be home later I love you. My youngest was out shooting hoops and begged him to stay but he said tomorrow is for you today in hanging with friends. I love you and tell mom and kayla I love them. Thats it…..he was gone the kid shot him on his way home just 3 minutes from my house. I aways waited up for him but I fell asleep that night. The cops knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning. I didn’t get to hold his hand or say goodbye. He was shot at 11:07pm and died at the hospital at 12 20. The cops said the boy that shot him ran off and the other two boys were not talking. They didn’t get his wallet out of the car because it was a crime scene. They couldn’t put gloves on take a damn picture then grab his wallet really i mean really….my son died alone because you couldn’t do two simple things. Just so much anger and devastation. I pray for all of us
My son, Daniel, died by suicide March 9 of this year. I had raised him until February 15, 2020. We had been having issues and out of anger or hurt her stated he wanted to live with his dad. Out of anger and hurt I agreed. Mind you, his father never had much to do with him nor his sister, my oldest child. They barely knew he and his wife. His dad, dad’s family, none of them ever really had much to do with with my children, but I called his dad and had him come get him. His dad lives in Georgia and we lived in Pennsylvania. The day his dad took him is the last day I ever saw my son in person. I hugged him and told him I love him. And then he was gone. We spoke on the phone and Facebook messenger, but not as often as we should have. We spoke about our differences and what he felt he needed from me that I hadn’t been giving him while he was here. I thought we had cleared the air. Daniel said he was happy. His friends that he kept in contact with up here didn’t suspect that Daniel was unhappy. I should have dug deeper. His dad, my ex husband, and his wife signed Daniel out of regular school and put him in home school. His stepmother told him if he went back to school after the shut down was lifted in Georgia he would have to take off his clothes on the front porch every day before coming in the house. My son would never agree to that, so homeschool it was. Daniel needed more social opportunities than that provided for him.
Anyway, we were traveling down south this past Christmas and Daniel asked if we’d be visiting him. I told him I would, but his older sister wouldn’t be coming. (She was 18 and graduated the year before and had to quarantine because a co-worker had tested positive for covid-19). Daniel told me that she was the one he wanted to see. I let my feelings get in the way again and said we wouldn’t come over then. He acted like he didn’t care. We spoke Christmas day, (I still had planned to stop and see him, though he didn’t know that), he was telling me what he had gotten for Christmas. One of the gifts was a tablet. I told him that was really awesome and jokingly added that he better not be watching porn on it (he was 16 and had been caught watching that garbage several times when he lived with us), and he told me he’d do what he wanted. I explained to him that that type of behavior can become habitual/addictive and that I didn’t want that for him. He again said he’d do what he wanted. I got upset and ended the call before it turned into an argument. I told him I loved him and we hung up. I did not go and see him.
March 8 this year I got a call from his dad asking if I’d heard from our son because he was missing. I said that I hadn’t. His dad told me the he and the police were searching for him because he disappeared. I was up all night worrying. The next day his dad called me early in the morning to say they hadn’t found him and that the police expanded their search. A few hours later, just after 11am, his dad called me again and asked if I was sitting down. My stomach dropped and the sudden lump in my throat made it almost impossible to breathe. He said the police found Daniel in the woods across the highway from his house with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his abdomen from a .9mm handgun. Apparently, Daniel got the gun from his dad’s own safe that was either left unlocked or Daniel found the combination which was in a drawer right beside said safe.
My world and my daughters’ worlds are forever changed. So many people from our church and even complete strangers reached out to us, me. I appreciate all of them, but none of it made me feel better. Still doesn’t. I have days where I think I’m okay, but in an instant I’m not again. I feel like I’m drowning. I’m angry at the world. But mostly angry with myself. I raised him for over 15 years and I’m less than 13 months away he was gone. His birthday was June 9th. He would be 17 years old. I miss him so much. I hate myself.
I lost my son 18 years ago to a car accident I go to bed every night hoping I wont wake up And wake up cursing that I did
I lost my only child, my thirty-five years old son, in May, 2021 from heart failure. I feel that I no longer have purpose, there was so much that I was looking forward to doing with him.
I asked an old colleague how he deals with it. He suggested remembering the good things my son and I did together, I thanked him and apologized for intruding on this very personal space. I randomly pull over at places my son and I had been at in the past, it just makes me cry in agony.
My heart hurts, I just want to be with him.
Yesterday I lashed out at God, screaming at the top of my lungs “, Fuck You. ” and I meant it. If he doesn’t like it, then strike me dead, please.
It’s been less than two months since he died and my now X-fiance said to me “, people die, get over it. ” I will never forget or forgive her for those words. In fairness, she was recently diagnosed with Lupus, but in my world right now, that’s like a nit in the grand scheme of my loss. She thinks I’m selfish and uncaring; not at all, I’m just dead inside. It’s true, people just don’t get it. How could they? It’s a level of grief that has no possible definition.
Living without my son is not life, it’s a perpetual existence.
Wish I had the answers. Sending my love and understanding for your losses.
Im not a Mother but a Dad who adored his Son..I lost my only son to DMD in August 25/2016…it still feels like yesterday. I wish I had something positive to say but the pain is still unbearable at times. I just pray God have Mercy on us all. I will say if anyone is making your life more difficult with pressure to move on or of any kind…get away from them now..this much I know. I do love you all because I know how hard it is to carry on. God Bless you all ..and as hard as it is at least we know things that many don’t have a clue .Hopefully we can get our strength back and make a difference some how.Amen
We lost our eldest son, Jacob three months ago. He was 22 and died in a motorcycle accident on his way to work. He wasn’t supposed to go in that day but wanted some extra hours before serving his monthly national guard Army duties that upcoming weekend. We will never know what really happened and can only hope that he passed instantly as he was found a few hours after it happened. Jacob was a true light. As his family, of course we knew how wonderful he was but we were blown away by the legacy he left with so many. We did our best to honor him, his service, friends and family at his funeral. For me it was a blur, but I remember so many people telling us all similar ‘Jacob’ stories. I’m so very grateful to have been blessed with him. He was a gift, that made a family. It’s been so very hard, I feel like I am just realizing that he’s truly gone. It’s hit me that I can’t fix this or chg it. Devastated is not enough to say I am a mess, like a heavy fog. If I could just trade places with him, I would in less than a heartbeat. He had so much to give. I have faith and know without a doubt where he is, but not getting to say goodbye is killing me.
I lost my son this year. July 26, 2021. My heart is broken. He was 30 and a week previous had asked his love of his life to marry him. She said yes. They had a fight that night and he took his own life. I cant even fathom how his girl is going to get over this. I wish so many thoughts. I cry, get mad, feel tremendous amounts of guilt piling into every dark corner of my mind. I try not to think about him. I cant look at his pictures.
I realize how much more i should have done for him in his short life.
And again… I wish things could be different.
Your mama loves you.
Reading so much pain and only WE know OUR PAIN! I have lost my only two sons Twins, Jason died 2/4/16 then his twin brother just couldn’t take it anymore and he died 9/11/19. Both of my sons died in my home and I found them both. I relive those moments every minute of every day. All of my friends and even family have disappeared from my life as if I had something to do with their deaths. All I have is my husband who is the boys step dad. The boys biological father also died in my home as he had cancer and he had no one to help him so I let him move in as well as my sons to give their Dad support. Jason died before his Dad died from an overdose then Jerry the boys father died 4/4/18. Jared was just not doing well and started running with the wrong group of friends . I begged and pleaded for Jared not to put me thru this after already losing Jason but he just wouldn’t listen. He was out of control!! Then my nightmare came true again when I found him downstairs where the boys had their rooms set up and where his brother died there laid Jared dead at 10:30pm. I had just heard his voice 30 mins prior and had no clue what was about to happen. Was it on purpose or was it by accident I will never know. But finding 3 dead Bodies in my home from 2016 -2019, I thought for sure I would be next. I am serving a life sentence in my home. I don’t leave my house for anything unless it’s for a doctor’s appt. My husband does the grocery shopping, cooking. Our home is a wreck. I have no energy to even clean. Mountains of laundry,, over 100 loads I know that needs to be done and I just dont care. My husband just never had the knack for housework as I did it all up until my 1st son died then I just stopped living. I don’t know that I will ever be right again and I dont want to be on a bunch of meds where I dont know up from down. Yes I am very depressed but no pills will bring my sons back. I work from home and retire at the end of this month. This is suppose to be my happy time, looking forward to becoming a grandma. And I have nothing to look forward to other than what is on TV. or just Sleeping all day. I don’t eat and have no desire for anything. I want a friend so bad that I could just hug and talk to but I have no one. My husband just doesn’t understand my pain, loss and emptiness in my heart. I have lost my whole world. My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering in such unimaginable pain that no one can understand unless they have shared the same loss.
I lost my 17 year old son Keith. My son burned alive in a car crash. One thing you can be thankful for is that your child didn’t have to live earth this way. I know Keith’s in heaven but I think he’d be better off with us. I have 3 other kids, two boys and a girl. My other 3 are older than my oldest son now. He died at 17 and my other 3 are from 29-33. It’s been 19 years this coming Saturday 9/25/21.
When I lost him, I couldn’t capture his personality. I was in shock. I use to tell Keith, they’d have to put me in a nut house if I ever lost him. I think he asked God to prevent me from going crazy and he blocked my mind from remembering. It’s been 19 years and I still cry about that accident, especially when I take anything out of the oven or I’m near any fire. I’ll be grieving the rest of my life. My other kids have moved out and married. I’m totally alone now. My husband cheated after we lost our son so I divorced him. I wish now that I had worked on our marriage, God hates divorce . I’m working day and night getting overtime for the night job and loving it. One day my whole family will be together again, it’ll be the happiest time ever!
I just lost my only son on September 4th 2021, in a fiery car crash at 26 years old. The guilt and sadness is beyond me. It just fn sucks and I don’t know how the react to it other than cry and usually at the wrong time. As they say hopefully time does heal sometimes but not now.
Forever 26 Quinn