Thank You PBS For Making Me Cry

It’s unexpected. I’m standing at the sink rinsing dishes, loading the dishwasher. There is nothing special about this moment. It’s something I do all the time.

My mind is filled with normal thoughts. I need to go out and bring the trash cans back in so we can take out the recycling. Grocery lists. Did I start the crock pot yet? I can’t forget to return the library books. Then I hear it in the background. It literally cuts like a knife.

The theme song to the PBS Kids show, Super Why!

My heart instantly hurts. That knife continues stabbing me. I pause and close my eyes for a second. Holding onto the counter to steady me. Then I let go and continue on with the dishwasher.

This is so random! It wasn’t even his favorite show. It wasn’t something he even watched every day. My husband has no clue what the show even is. But it hurts!

Standing at the sink I look up at the screen in front of me. My daughter is sitting on the couch watching the show. The back of her head just poking up off the back of the couch in my line of view. In my mind, her head turns into his. I can see it there clear as day. Exactly as it was.

I take a deep breath to slow the emotion. My eyes fill with tears. None fall.

I immediately resume my work. No one sees or realizes the impact this show has on me. That’s just how grief works. All focus is gone. My thoughts are only of him. Of a random night when I was in the kitchen making dinner. When he sat on that couch watching that show. It feels so real. My soul remembers every moment, every sound, every feeling. But it’s all gone now.

As the show progresses, I find every single song has the same impact on my heart. It still does to this day. I’m sure it always will.

Grief just shows up. It is always there. Always will be. The outside world never sees it. Even those closest to me would probably be surprised if all of my thoughts were expressed. It’s not how they would expect it to work. It’s not how I would expect it to work. It just is.


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9 Comments on “Thank You PBS For Making Me Cry”

  1. My sister passed when I was young. Certain songs come on the radio, and it’s like she’s there with me. They take me back to being a kid riding in the car with her. It used to hurt, but now I appreciate it. It helps me remember what it felt like when she was there. My heart hurts for your family. Losing a child has to be a whole different level of pain. I’m praying for your healing process.

    1. It is definitely the same thing with songs! I have reached the point where i appreciate it. Anything that makes me feel it and remember him is a positive thing, even if it does also hurt. Thanks so much for stopping by! It’s actually nice to hear that you remember your sister. That is one fear I have about my oldest daughter. They were best friends and I’m afraid at some point she will stop remembering.

  2. I know how you feel, it just hits you, something will remind you of them. I lost my 23 year old son eight years ago. I am so sorry for your loss.

    1. How right you are, Cindy! It makes no sense when/why things hit you. It also doesn’t matter how long it’s been. It’s all still there so fresh. Thank you for reading & commenting. Sending hugs your way! As you know, loss like this changes you.

  3. The songs, the places, his favorite restaurant. I hate going into our local chipotle because I know he should be there with me, building his favorite burrito. My 18 year old son took his life 15 months and two weeks ago. Nothing will ever be the same. I saw the picture that you labeled ” our last family picture”, and I immediately know what you really mean with those words. . I have that picture. Our last Family picture. Our last Christmas. Without our son, are we even a family anymore? Or just spare parts ? Each one of our children is needed to create that complete unit, a family. What are we without them? Thank you for sharing. Grief feels so lonely, even when our heads know how many others are living with this pain, our hearts feel like no one understands, no one is so very alone. It is good to know that we are not alone.

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