It’s unexpected. I’m standing at the sink rinsing dishes, loading the dishwasher. There is nothing special about this moment. It’s something I do all the time.
My mind is filled with normal thoughts. I need to go out and bring the trash cans back in so we can take out the recycling. Grocery lists. Did I start the crock pot yet? I can’t forget to return the library books. Then I hear it in the background. It literally cuts like a knife.
The theme song to the PBS Kids show, Super Why!
My heart instantly hurts. That knife continues stabbing me. I pause and close my eyes for a second. Holding onto the counter to steady me. Then I let go and continue on with the dishwasher.
This is so random! It wasn’t even his favorite show. It wasn’t something he even watched every day. My husband has no clue what the show even is. But it hurts!
Standing at the sink I look up at the screen in front of me. My daughter is sitting on the couch watching the show. The back of her head just poking up off the back of the couch in my line of view. In my mind, her head turns into his. I can see it there clear as day. Exactly as it was.
I take a deep breath to slow the emotion. My eyes fill with tears. None fall.
I immediately resume my work. No one sees or realizes the impact this show has on me. That’s just how grief works. All focus is gone. My thoughts are only of him. Of a random night when I was in the kitchen making dinner. When he sat on that couch watching that show. It feels so real. My soul remembers every moment, every sound, every feeling. But it’s all gone now.
As the show progresses, I find every single song has the same impact on my heart. It still does to this day. I’m sure it always will.
Grief just shows up. It is always there. Always will be. The outside world never sees it. Even those closest to me would probably be surprised if all of my thoughts were expressed. It’s not how they would expect it to work. It’s not how I would expect it to work. It just is.