If You Are Grieving, Ask For Your Purple Elephant… Go Ahead, Try It!

grieving

When you lose a child, death becomes a big part of your life. It sounds morbid, but I promise it isn’t. Grief turns your world upside down. Talking about death used to feel very taboo. Now, it is very commonplace. Normal even. Though my views are a bit non-traditional. Like each bereaved mother before me, I spent my first year questioning … Read More

In Child Loss Every Step Counts

Child Loss Blog

When I began sharing our story of child loss, I had a dream. A vision that one day I would help other grieving parents share their stories. That I would help provide a platform, and this blog would become more than just my voice. It is only fitting that my first guest post be featured on October 15th, the day … Read More

My Favorite Color Is Blue. Sometimes. (Grief Book Review)

I will never forget the drive home from the hospital that day. Reaching our destination meant telling our (then) 4-year old daughter her big brother would never be coming home. On Christmas morning no less. My mind raced for the right words. Those words don’t exist. The days that followed were a blur. I can only imagine how difficult they … Read More

I Just Can’t, But Today I Did. It Was Hard.

It’s the day before what should be Cameron’s 9th birthday. I’m balancing on the edge. Part of me wants to cry and just crawl in bed until it is all over with. The other part of me wants to force normal, “before” normal, and plan a day of his favorite activities. I already know this birthday will be a mix … Read More

Please Don’t Tell Me How Fast It Goes

childhood goes fast

We stood in line at Home Depot. Our cart, weighed down with plants that would finally fill one of our empty flower beds. Our latest project. My daughter, chatting away admiring the bright pink flowers balanced on the bottom. The flowers she believes she picked out, but the reality is I guided her in that decision with my secret “get what I want” mom … Read More

Back To School Makes Me Nauseous

I turn the corner and realize we are walking right through the boys clothing section. My stomach turns. I reach out and run my finger over a folded t-shirt as we pass. Nearby a mom is holding up two pair of shorts for her son. That should be me. My eyes scan the familiar area as the weight of my … Read More

The Line Blurs Between Before And After

child loss

When your child dies, there is this new line of measurement in life. Everything was either before or after. The idea is very black and white. It either is or it isn’t. As time passes complexity creeps in. Maybe it’s grief brain, maybe it’s just me getting old, but that line blurs. We tell stories and reference moments of our … Read More

An Open Letter To Newly Bereaved Parents

Dear Newly Bereaved, I remember standing where you are. The world feels different. A vast emptiness closes in around your heart as you wrangle with the idea that your child is no longer a part of this world. Your world, broken. The last image of them burning in your mind because there will be no more. Don’t focus too long on the idea that … Read More

So This Is Yearning…

child loss

My oldest daughter danced around me oblivious. My youngest daughter plotted her next great attempt at escape while buckled into the cart in front of me. I couldn’t take my eyes off the little boy standing at the register in front of us. He stood between his parents, but I only saw him. I only saw him from behind. He was … Read More

This Is What Child Loss Feels Like

what child loss feels like

Imagine a towering wall of cement blocks in front of you. It stands between you and your child. You know they are there on the other side, but you can’t see them. No matter how loud the scream, you can’t hear them. You try everything you can to break that wall down. Pushing. Pounding your fists. Angrily smashing objects against it. Desperately thrashing to … Read More