Becoming a bereaved mother, my life has changed in ways I never expected. I’m not stating the obvious here. Yes, my life has been turned upside down since my son died. This is more behavior based.
It’s quite possible these behaviors I’ve picked up are survival mechanisms. I can tell you I am on the journey of a lifetime related to understanding my belief system. It has been tested in so many ways. However, I likely don’t understand what my body has automatically done just to put me in survival mode.
These things that I do are typically hidden from the world. It’s part of my grieving process. While they seem quite crazy, I would like to think I’m not alone.
11 Crazy Things I Do As A Bereaved Mother
1 – Occasionally I stop and touch the box that his ashes are in. This isn’t so strange. However, there are times I make a point to lift the box up to feel it’s weight. That weight is a reminder that he was real.
2 – I constantly remind myself that he existed. I will never forget! However, the numbness permeates my reality so intensely. As more time passes it’s like my body gets used to going through the motions without him. It begins to play tricks on your sanity. Reminding myself keeps me grounded.
3 – Many things I say begin with the phrase, “This will sound crazy, but”. It’s like a whole new world was opened up to me when he died. I am constantly amazed so I can only imagine how I sound to others.
4 – A big chunk of my day is spent seeking ways to continue my relationship with my son. I know he is still here.
5 – I have seen him. Not in my dreams as you would think, though he tried that once. I don’t think I was ready because almost as quickly as I got to him the dream ended. I’m talking full blown shadows of him standing in the room with me (not on the wall). This all sounds very crazy, I know (see #3)! He loves to run.
6 – Most of my day is spent either talking to him in my head or being reminded of him in literally everything around me! Standing in the room with me, you won’t know this is happening. Believe me, it is! He is in EVERYTHING I see, hear, and do. There are signs everywhere!
7 – I consult him. Every decision is made based on answering the question, “What would Cameron want me to do?” In a way he has become my life & moral compass.
8 – I think about my mortality. A lot! There is a Twenty One Pilots song out right now that sums it up: “I think about the end just way too much. But it’s fun to fantasize.” That’s how I see death now. I welcome it. Not in an end my life kind of way. Death is just viewed very different now.
9 – When I’m in the rain, I like to stop and just stand there with my face to the sky. Just being in nature, especially the rain, connects me with the rest of the universe. With him.
10 – I am constantly looking for his signs! I crave them. Beg for them even.
11 – I still shop for him. Every time I enter a store, I am looking for things he would like. Things I would have bought. Today, I’m guilty for buying 3 more books in the series he was reading. A series he would have opened last Christmas morning (most of it anyways). In my defense, I promised him I would read it.
Too crazy? What are the crazy things you do because of your grief?